Month: July 2017

I have to be honest here.  When I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression in March, I thought that I’d get some medication, talk to a therapist, and work my way back to “normal” in a consistent fashion.   I didn’t quite grasp, I don’t think, that this is not like the flu; you don’t just keep moving forward and one day find yourself cured.  I’m coming to learn that I will be dealing with this for the rest of my life- and some days will be better than others.  It scares the hell out of me to admit this.  Whenever something has gone wrong in life, I’ve always just worked to fix it and move on- and I am working hard here.  I am working to stop all the negative chatter in my head.  I am also working to just do my thing and be me without worrying about what others are thinking.  I am working on building my relationship with God and accepting myself with all my flaws.   It is hard work, but I have a ton of support all around me- and it’s been going well.  For most of this summer, I’ve been as happy as a clam at high tide.  Why, then, have I found myself on the verge of panic attacks for the past week or so?   What is going on?!?  I have an inkling…

The end of July is upon us, which means we will soon be heading to Maine to visit friends and family- followed shortly thereafter by the start of  a new school year.  I AM NOT READY FOR ANY OF IT!!  I’m not ready to go to Maine for a couple of reasons.  First, I haven’t accomplished much this summer .  I remember thinking, on my first day of vacation, that I would go to the beach, maybe paint a room or two, catch up on scrap-booking, and clean out some clutter from my closet and the garage.  Oh,  and I also wanted to lose those 8 pounds I put on this past school year.  I had an entire summer ahead of me and I was going to get things done.  Well, I’ve got more summer behind me than in front of me and I’ve done none of those things.   I’ve spent the majority of my summer playing games with friends and family and reading- lots and lots of reading.  It has been a very relaxing summer, but I feel like I should have accomplished some things on my list.   I feel like I’ve failed at summer vacation (Yep, that’s as crazy as it sounds, but what can I say?)  Second, the visit means the end of summer break.  Waaaaahhh!!!  However, I am looking forward to going and have been counting down all summer.  I will come back relaxed because family times fill me up – and because I refuse to think about work!!

Speaking of work… the fact that I will be starting back at school 3 days after we get home from Maine IS FREAKING ME OUT.  I have everything in my classroom packed into boxes and bins.  I have to figure out where to put everything AND get my class ready for the beginning of the year.  I have enlisted my husband on the first day to help me move and unpack; having that extra set of hands will be invaluable, but I really just want him there for moral support.  I have spent bits and pieces of the summer thinking about what went well this past year and what I need to change.  I have done lots of reading and attended a workshop.  I have some great ideas that I want to implement; I just have to figure out the logistics.   I have all these thoughts about work swirling through my brain- constantly. This could explain why I have had beginning of the school year nightmares for the past two weeks.  In each dream, I am completely unprepared for the first day, arrive late, and am a hot mess; the only difference each time is the reason behind all that.  Lovely!  I usually look forward to a new school year; I am excited to meet my new students and I challenge myself to be better than the year before.  This year, I don’t feel that thrill just yet; I think it is more like abject terror.  My brain is swimming with doubts.   Am I going to be ready in time?  Will the parents like me?  Will I be able to help the kids grow?  Will my scores be among the top of my grade level- or among the bottom?  Will my observations go well?  Will I lose my ever-loving mind?  The bottom line is that I am scared of failing- even though it’s my 17th year and I haven’t failed yet.  My brain just has a mind of it’s own sometimes- no pun intended.

These last two weeks have been hard!  I can’t be alone with my thoughts for too long because they quickly start spinning out of my control.  Many people probably thought that it would all be unicorns and rainbows once the medication and therapy kicked in; I sure did- and there are definitely days like that.  There are other days, however, when anxiety kicks me in the gut right out of the blue- and my mind will not turn off.   Today, I started in on a panic attack while reading a book!  I was reading along when I suddenly just started thinking a million different thoughts all at once and felt, simultaneously, that I was going to have a heart attack and throw up.  This is the best way I can explain it:  It’s like seeing your life (past, present, and future) and all the mistakes you have ever made or could ever make on fast forward all of a sudden. What the heck???  I don’t even know where that came from.   I put the book down and started cleaning- and then I was fine.  And it’s happened to me more than once over the past two weeks!  Sometimes, I do wonder if I am going completely crazy- not gonna’ lie.  My husband assures me I am not.  (Maybe that makes him crazy, too??)  I’m not trying to belabor the point and be Negative Nellie here; in fact, I am trying to be positive.  I am not looking for pity- and I definitely don’t want to be treated any differently than before.  I just want people to see that there are going to be hills and valleys- and, apparently, that’s normal (or my new normal).   I look at it like I do when training for races.  When I prepare for a half marathon, I train my body to withstand the long distances and time.  When I run a 5K, I just go out and run it.  Initially, I thought this would be more like the 5K- do what the doctor said and get better.  As it turns out, it’s more like a marathon- train long and hard to live a life that makes me happy.

I am pretty much convinced that I am having a mid-life crisis.  Maybe that is what precipitated this whole thing.  My husband bought his dream car, a candy-apple red Camaro, a few months before his 45th birthday; I lost my mind a few months before mine.  I’m thinking his plan was less complicated and infinitely more enjoyable.  But here I am.

Since school has gotten out, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and have tried to find myself.  I am not quite sure where I lost myself, which makes the searching a tad more difficult.  What do I like to do?  How do I want to live?  As I’ve shared in other posts, I’ve made some definite progress in my journey to find happiness once again, but I’ve only really begun to think deeply about who I am, who I want to be, and what I want my legacy to be.  The last part sounds vain, but I don’t mean it to be.  I’ve just been thinking- if I died tomorrow, what would my obituary say?  Did I leave the world (even just a small corner or it) a better place than when I arrived nearly 45 years ago?  It sounds morbid, I know- but it does really get one reevaluating things.  The other thing I’ve been thinking about is that I really want to get to a place where I am not comparing myself to others or worrying about the judgement of others before school starts; I want to thicken my skin a bit.  If I can skip the “where’s my padded room and sparkly straight jacket” portion of the school year next year, we’ll all be better for it.   So…here are my thoughts so far.

I am clearly entering a new season of my life.  I’ve been a wife for 26 of my almost 45 years and a mom for 25 of them.  I’m still a wife (yay us), but my mom gig is winding down a bit.  I have always been a very involved mom.   I even arranged my career so that  I could take my kids with me to school (or be home when they got home).     I went to all school and sporting events.  I was even PTO president one year (never again, btw).  I’ve unleashed the Mama Bear whenever someone has crossed my kids unfairly, yet let the kids suffer the natural consequences when that needed to happen, too.    When my daughters were in high school and dating, we lived where I grew up.  I was known to call my “resources” to check out prospective dates.  The FBI has nothing on me!    In this season, however, my oldest lives 1,000 miles away and has a career, my middle child is just starting with adulthood, and my baby begins high school.  Gone are the days of family trips to the pool or the library.  Arts and Crafts.  Nights at the drive-in with the kids in sleeping bags in the back of the van.  Even the van is gone!  My identity has always been that of MOM.  I’m still a mom and always will be, but the hands-on stuff is now a thing of the past (which isn’t always a bad thing; there’s something to be said for sleeping in- and Candy Land did get “lost” on more than occasion).   So now what?    I’ll keep loving and supporting my kids, for sure.  However, I am going to have to fashion more of a life than that of just a mom now.  I have a lot more time on my hands.  To quote The Byrds, “To everything, there is a season and a time to every purpose, under heaven.”

Part of finding myself is figuring out what my purpose is- not what I’ve thought it should be.  I’ve begged God to show me my purpose over this past school year, as it was the hardest of my life.  Lots of judgement (real and perceived) and lots of heartache.  There were many times that I told myself this was my last year; I have other directions I could go with a little work.  I work 50-60 hours a week and get parent emails asking me what more I could be doing for their child or telling me that they don’t agree with what I’m doing.  What?!?  I am often sacrificing my own family- my own kids- for theirs.  I fall asleep at night worrying about other people’s kids.  My favorite is when a group of moms get together and talk smack about me- and then it gets back to me via one of the mothers.  That’s a real ding to the self-esteem, let me tell you!!  I CANNOT GIVE MORE- and this year, I am really going to try to find a balance that allows my students to be successful and me to not feel like I am struggling to keep from drowning in….everything.  I love kids! They are not judgmental, are joyous, and see life in a way that I’ve long forgotten how.  They are the reason I keep going to work.  I love finding ways to help them learn and to reach that kid that others have given up on.  That stuff feeds my soul- and test scores prove that I am pretty good at what I do.  But am I good enough?   Do those kids deserve more?   Are the parents right? That has been my conversation with God.   He hasn’t come right out and given me any answers in a way that I clearly understand, but my heart keeps telling me that I can’t throw in the towel yet.  I keep feeling pulled back into the classroom.  I’m taking it as a sign.  I did vacation bible school this week and was in charge of games.  I had this one kid who was just bonkers, for lack of a better word.  He didn’t listen, screamed out not-so-nice things, and climbed all over everything.  At the end of day one, I wanted to kill him.  By the end of day 2, I was convinced he was going to kill me.  That night, I prayed for God to help me reach him in some small way.  On day 3, I felt peace with him; we had some great conversations and some fun.  God is definitely showing me (I think) that my purpose is to work with kids.  Is it in the classroom?  I don’t know.  I’m giving it one more year.  During this next year, I hope to grow closer to God and find my answer (a bright neon sign would be helpful; I’ve proven myself to be a little dense in my relationship with Him at times).

I also want a tribe.  One that I’m not related to.  I always see people on Facebook with their large groups of friends doing this, that, and the other thing- and I’m jealous.  I am an almost 45 year old woman jealous of other women who have a large group of friends they can count on (sad, I know).  I do have friends- lots of them; they are just spread out all over the place.  I love to chat with them and get together when we’re in the same area- but I want a tribe.  I want a group of girl friends that can get together to go do yoga, to go to a vineyard, to compare notes, to learn and grow with.  To have fun with.  We had friends over last night and had an awesome time as families- and I love that!  I need that, too!  But I also want a tribe.  Is that selfish?  Maybe it is because, really, I am surrounded by unconditional love; why do I need more?  I don’t have an answer there; I just feel like that is something missing.

Speaking of unconditional love, I have worked on loving myself more this summer.  My family loves me.  My husband and kids tell me all the time.  My parents have shown me love my whole life in all the millions of things they’ve done and said.  My in-laws love me (or at least pretend they do- ha!).  My friends love me.  I haven’t been so kind to myself.   As I have stated, my self- confidence is pretty much at basement level whenever I step foot out of the house.  I’ve really worked this summer on stopping the negative talk.  I’ve decided that I have been this size (plus or minus 10 pounds) my entire adult life; I just have to embrace it.  I am a t-shirt and shorts (or jeans) kind of girl- and I’m done trying to be something else.  I care about others and try to build them up, thus making the world a happier place in some small way- and I will continue to do that (though, I won’t measure my self-worth by whether or not I’m successful in that).    Do I have annoying personality quirks?  You bet- but so do most people.  I just need to get over myself.  The biggest thing I’m trying to do- because it helps me and makes me feel better- is grow closer to God.  He has loved me since before I was born and will love me long after I die.  He made me this way for a purpose, and I’m trying to rediscover it.  I’m leaning on the love I feel from Him and my family and trying to just live life joyously and without the fear and dread that comes from judgement- judgement from those who don’t really know me (so why should I even care, right?  Yup…that’s still a work in progress.).

I’ve also been reading lots of books.  The Year of Yes was inspirational (but I don’t think I have her chutzpah just yet), and Present over Perfect has been like reading my inner thoughts- without the famous writer parts.  The author has shown me ways to let go of my need for perfection (in everything), has shown me how to be present more, and also how to grow closer to God.  These are things I am working on.  I also read a memoir of a woman who died of cancer (The Bright Hour).  That, too, showed what is really important and how to just enjoy life as it comes.    I am wanting to slow down and smell the roses.  I want to enjoy the people in my life because they’re amazing in every way.  I want to love my job again because it’s an important and deeply fulfilling one (when I block out the garbage).  I want to appreciate all that God has given us each and every day.  I want to be grateful every morning that I get to wake up and do something with this life of mine- judgement be damned.  I think that is where my true self lies.  I am getting there, slowly but surely.

I had a day this week when I  felt panicked- as in increased heart beat, sick to my stomach, don’t want to talk to anyone, and don’t want to leave the couch kind of panic- and it got me thinking.  I was thinking about getting older and this new season I am entering.  I miss the old seasons.  I miss all the fun in the old seasons.  I miss all the people who were in the old seasons and aren’t in the new ones- and I get scared at the thought of losing more people from my life.   I get scared at the thought of growing old- or not growing old.  Like I said, I’m pretty sure I’m in the midst of a mid-life crisis.  I do feel, though, that I have a sense of direction now.  I know how I want to be.  My compass is no longer whirling around in a circle without stopping.  I’ve just got to dig in and keep working at it.  Here’s to a new season in the words of The Byrds: