I’ve had some people asking me how I’m doing, since it’s been a while since my last post. Thank you for that! Overall, I am doing great! School is in full swing, and I am loving my job once again. I have a challenging class, but we’re coming together. I get lots of hugs every day and little notes and drawings from my kids. I also work with some very amazing people. Those are all the things that fill my heart and make me want to get out of bed every morning and go to work. I’ve got a lot on my plate, but I am handling it well. In fact, I’m not even stressing about it. Sometimes, I wonder if something’s wrong with me. LOL! I don’t know if it’s that the medication is finally working in harmony with my body, if the therapy sessions have really helped me learn to cope better, or if it’s all the work I’ve done since last March to rebuild my sense of self- but it’s been great! It’s probably all of the above, so I will keep things going as is.
There are definitely moments where anxiety still rears it’s ugly head. This week, I was walking back to my classroom after a particularly stressful event and found myself breathing fast with my heart racing and feeling like I was going to be sick. My first thought was that I needed to get to my room and close the door because a panic attack was coming. My second thought, though, was that I handled things how they needed to be handled and things were going to be ok. I was actually able to talk myself off the ledge. Another moment this week was when I was notified that I had been nominated for something. My first reaction was that I couldn’t do it. I was feeling blessed and proud- and panicked. There had to be some mistake! What if it was all some big joke and I just made a fool of myself? Those thoughts sent me directly toward a second panic attack. However, I talked myself off the cliff by telling myself I didn’t need to make any decisions right off. I chewed on it all day and night. I talked with some colleagues, my parents, and my husband. I finally decided to go ahead and accept the nomination, as it truly is an honor. Do I feel worthy? Not exactly (and I know a big part of that is my overall lack of confidence and how I see myself), but others apparently think I am. I am trying to listen to the others’ words and believe them- and quiet that negative voice in my head. I will just keep working hard and doing my thing- and hope for the best. So, the bad news is that I still have to talk myself off the ledge with some regularity. The good news is that I can confidently do it! I do feel good about that.
My pal depression has only tried to show it’s face once over the past couple of months (which isn’t bad considering it practically took up residence with me for a few months last spring). About two weeks ago, we were home and just hanging out. That gave me lots of time on my hands, which always gets me thinking in some not so productive ways. Suddenly, I wanted to just climb into bed and stay there- away from everyone. I can’t explain the feeling- and if you’ve never suffered from depression, I am not really sure you’d understand, anyway. I have no idea why that feeling came over me; it just hit me out of the blue. Instead of giving into it, I suggested to my husband that he and I go out for a date night- and we did. It was fabulous and the moment passed. I’m just going to have to be aware and not let it get me- and I know that I can.
My therapist and I have been working on me letting things just roll past. Worry about what I can control and fix them- and then set just a few minutes aside to worry about those things out of my control…and move on. That is easier said than done, of course. I tend to perseverate on things, but I’m working on it! Hurricane Irma was headed in our direction- and I was truly freaking out (even though we are 3 hours inland and likely have nothing to worry about). I was checking the weather whenever I had a free moment. My therapist said to just get our house ready, have a plan, and then let it go- so I did. Then the thing turned west and pretty much missed us completely- but I was ready and felt better about it. Basically, I’m trying to live in and enjoy the moment more and not let things freak me out like they used to. My house is covered in dog hair, but it’s 9 on a school night? Letting it roll. I brought papers home to correct- but don’t really feel like it? Letting it roll for the night. The lawn needs mowing? Let the HOA crazies send me a notice; I’m letting it roll until the weekend. Admin wants certain paperwork turned it? I’m not freaking to get it done asap; I’m letting it roll, knowing it’s ok to do it the next day. You get the idea. My motto is “I can only do what I can do and be the best that I can be; as for the rest, it is what it is.” That really has helped me to feel stronger. Things aren’t making me crazy like they used to- and I do feel like less of a failure because it’s my choice to let it roll for a bit.
So, there you have it. Things are going well, overall. I am enjoying my job and life in general. I am using what I’ve learned over this journey to find balance. I am aware that anxiety and depression will always be a part of my life, but I am also feeling strong enough to kick them to the curb when they rear their ugly heads. In fact, I feel stronger than I’ve felt in a very long time. My confidence level is rising, though it’s still one of those things where I keep my head down and just do my thing in situations where I’m not comfortable. I’m also still comparing myself to others all the time, BUT I don’t beat myself up over it. Instead, I look at how I can continue to improve. There is nothing wrong with that.
For those who draw inspiration from my blog, just know that it is one day at time- and you can do it. You are braver than you think, stronger than you believe, and smarter than you could ever imagine- you just need to find the strength to believe what others are telling you and already know. Control the things you can, let the other stuff just float by. Love those who care about you- and even those who don’t. Those who aren’t kind have their own issues; it has nothing to do with you, so don’t let it bother you. The world needs more kindness, anyway. Reach out to those around you for support; that has made a HUGE difference for me. You don’t have to suffer alone- and your support network (family, friends, colleagues) can raise you up when you aren’t feeling strong enough to do it on your own. That has been an amazing experience for me- and I never would have known what I know now if I hadn’t gone through what I’ve gone through these past few months. I feel like I don’t have to pretend anymore; I can be myself and know that if things head south, I have lots of people who have my back. So, rock on!