I was just rereading my last post, and I have to say that I don’t know what happened to that person. Currently, I’m a hot mess- and not a fan of it! I don’t know how my feelings could change so much in one month’s time, but here I am. I think it’s one part work, one part pity party for one, and one part homesickness. It’s all working together to give my anxiety and depression a little bit of an edge- which makes me crazy (pun intended- ha!).
Work has been more than a little stressful, to say the least. As team leader, it is my job to keep things running smoothly, help my teammates with any issues they have, and be the voice to administration if they are all voicing the same concerns. Well, I’ve been doing all those things and it has not been easy. We’re all feeling added stress this year from various things, so I’ve been running around trying to put out fires while having my own classroom going up in flames. I’ve taken some things off my teammates’ plates and kept things rolling for our grade level as a whole- and I’ve done it with a smile on my face because that’s how I roll. I want to make others happy and will do what it takes to help them- and to keep them from running screaming from the building, never to return. In the meantime, I have a child in my room who is undergoing his own mental health crisis; he’s gotten a heavy duty diagnosis- or two- and we are currently working to get him enrolled in the appropriate placement. He is breaking my heart. He is only 7 and has no idea how to control all that he is feeling. As a result, I just want to love on him and do all I can to help him feel wanted in our classroom- but it doesn’t work. He really needs more than I can offer while working with 20 other kids, and my rational self knows this. My irrational self feels like I’m failing him- and that weighs heavily on me 24/7. I also try not to be THAT TEACHER who can’t handle their own classroom (so I hesitate to call for help), and as a result, my other 20 kids have not gotten the attention they need- no matter how hard I try- and that makes me feel like a failure, as well. *sigh* It’s been an eye-opening week, as my little struggler has been out and I’ve had the chance to really see what I need to be doing- but can’t when he’s there- and am feeling anxious as I look towards his return on Monday. On the one hand, I’m looking forward to seeing him and working with him again, but I’m also anxious thinking how I’m going to handle him and the needs of others. Seriously, this has been weighing me down for some time. So, work is stressing me out. I am still loving my job and see it as a privilege every day that I am entrusted to care for my little friends and my teammates, but guys, it is hard to switch off the worry. If my teacher friends have a strategy, by all means, please share!
I am feeling homesick. I miss Maine in the fall. I miss the vibrant colors, the cold nights, the trips to the apple orchards, the fairs, the anticipation of winter (though I only love winter until about January 1st and then I am done with that….which stunk when I lived there because winter lasts until at least mid-March, but I digress). Most of all, I miss my family. I don’t know why I miss them more in the fall than in other seasons, but I do. It’s probably because it’ll be four months before I see my parents- and longer before I see my girls and my brother and his family. It’s also my mother’s birthday, and I miss that. We are heading to Charleston to see my husband’s family next weekend, so that’ll help (I hope).
I also think I am just having a pity party for one. I am feeling fat. I am feeling like maybe it was a mistake to cut my hair because I look like a boy- but growing it back out will be an even uglier process, so I’m kind of stuck. My clothes don’t fit right. I haven’t dragged myself out of bed to work out in a week and feel like a total slacker. I am bugged by the dumbest things. I feel exhausted all the time. I feel inadequate in all areas. Cue the violins. I can’t tell you how often I’ve thought that it would be so easy to just get into my car and drive someplace remote to relax and escape for a bit. Granted, I am the world’s biggest chicken and would be scared to death once it got dark, but you know what I am getting at. I mean, I just burst into tears this morning for no reason whatsoever. WTH?!?
Here is the thing…the thing that I know is not good for me and the thing that I told my therapist just Monday I wasn’t doing…I am the master of putting a smile on my face, pushing my feelings to the back, and going on with my day. In some sense, that makes me a very strong person. To everyone- even those I live with- I am sure it seems that all is going well. In fact, I thought so, too, until this week. All week, I could feel anxiety building and depression setting in. I knew it; I could feel it knocking on my door- and then bursting in when I didn’t answer. I just didn’t want to acknowledge and admit it- even to my therapist, who I am paying to help me (yes, I do see the irony in that). I am competitive. I do not like fail. Feeling like this again feels like I am failing- myself, my family, my friends. My rational self knows I cannot help it; I have the diagnosis and drugs to prove it, after all. LOL! My irrational self still wants to please everyone and not cause worry. My irrational self also feels like if I fail (to meet demands, to meet expectations, to do my job, to not let all of this take over), people whose opinions do matter to me will not value me as much. To feel that way is a big no-no, and my rational self knows that (other’s opinions should not be what you hang your value on…to quote my therapist) and I try not to- but at the end of the day, I can’t help how I feel. This week has gone something like this: Do I share how I’m feeling with my husband? Do I just wait for it to pass? Do I blog about this, as this is the real me at the moment- or do I let it pass because I want to remain upbeat? It’s my blog; I can just write about what I’m feeling- even if I don’t share it. It’ll pass. I can do this. I can’t do this. Yes, I can. For pete’s sake, get a hold of yourself, woman. And on it went until I found myself crying in the shower.
My therapist told me this week that it is all about choices. I have to choose to let things flow past. I have to choose to do what I can do and let the rest go. I have to choose to embrace the love and support of those around me. I have to choose to listen to those who tell me how much they love and care about me-regardless of the hot mess that I am or can be. I have to choose to listen when my colleagues nominate me for things or send me messages telling me that they think I am doing a great job! I kept telling myself this all week; I was trying to be my own cheerleader and talk myself off the ledge. I told my therapist I was doing this because I didn’t want her to know I was failing miserably this week; I know- that was dumb, but it was the choice I made. Ha! I made the choice to perseverate all week on the fact that my new neighbors kept their trash can out on the sidewalk- even though the HOA rules clearly state that your trash can is only to be out on the eve and day of trash pick-up. OK. I really didn’t choose to do that one; it kind of chose me. Crazy, I know. Those are the types of things that can get under my skin- and I honestly don’t know why. I just think I was running on empty this week and had nothing in the tank to just let that roll.
Where does this all leave me? It leaves me blogging. I feel better putting it all down on in writing. I felt better after having a good cry. Sometimes, you just need to let the facade down and let it go. No one was here, so it was safe to do-and I took full advantage….even though my dog looked at me like she didn’t know whether to lick my face, share her ball, or just get the heck away from me. It leaves me taking a step back and reevaluating- getting my head back on straight- and then marching forward like the good little trooper that I am. It leaves me hoping this blog isn’t a rambling mess. Hate is a strong word, and I try not to use it much anymore (who needs that kind of negativity?). However, I hate the fact that I feel like this sometimes. I hate that I am not “normal” in a medical sense. I hate that I have to deal with this and the stuff that it sometimes entails because it can honestly be exhausting. I hate that I hate this because it is minor compared to what others deal with on a daily basis. I hate that I cannot find peace within myself at times. I hate anxiety and depression. I sometimes see myself as damaged goods- even though I have a medical diagnosis that is not unlike the scoliosis or asthma diagnoses I also carry forever. I hate that I can’t understand that. However, looking on the positive side, I love how it has helped open my eyes to those around me who do love and care about me. I love how I have grown closer to God. I love how it has forced to me to really see myself in my entirety- warts and all. Overall, I do like what I see. I am proud of myself for the work I have done to deal effectively (in the big picture). I am proud of myself for recognizing that I am not in a happy place right now and it’s ok. My goals (because I need goals) are:
1. to lose some weight because I want my clothes to fit better (I am too cheap to buy new ones and even my Spanx is begging me to lay off the carbs)- not to please anyone.
2. to do what I can do and let the other stuff roll.
3. to remind myself of all the positive things people have told me and let that run on repeat in my head-not the negative stuff that I tell myself.
4. to live more in the moment and not fret about things out of my control. (Really, trash cans?!?)
5. to acknowledge how I feel, validate those feelings, and move on. Life is too short to live in Pityville.
There. I feel better. I really hope that no one feels bad for me; there are others who have real struggles. It is what is; I am a strong woman and can deal with it. Just give me a hug and a high five and we’ll go on with our day. I also really hope that this post helps those who also struggle sometimes. I want them to see that there will be days (or weeks)- and it is ok. Everyone has them. Just set some goals and move on. Your family and friends love you; lean on them for support and know they’ll always have your back. Look towards God; He is the ultimate One who will always be there. Have a good cry. It really does help. Know that life goes on and offers so many amazing opportunities. Embrace them! I’m off to enjoy my weekend and enjoy the company of those around me. Peace and blessings to you all! ❤️