I love this time of the year! The holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years) have always been a time to get together with family and just revel in the love and acceptance that family provides. Growing up, we used to go to my grandparents’ houses and celebrate with them and all the cousins, aunts, and uncles you could ever want. It was just amazing! The cousins would all be playing (and sneaking sweets) while the adults all scrambled to get the food on the table, clean up, and then sit around and talk. As a kid, I certainly looked forward to those times, but I don’t think I ever appreciated them as much as I do now. The reason being that now, we don’t have those raucous celebrations because the grandparents have passed, the cousins have scattered across the country, and my parents and aunts and uncles just don’t gather like they used to. Heck, I don’t even live in the same area code as my parents, brother and family, and one of my daughters. It is just hard. I miss the olden days, when everyone was still here and nearby. If I could turn back the clock to when my kids were, oh, 1, 9, and 12- and freeze it there- I would do it in a heartbeat. I am excited, though. My girls are coming south for Christmas, so my little family of five will be whole again in just 2 more days. Woo hoo! I am already planning peanut butter ball making, gingerbread man making, the annual watching of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, and a drive around to look at the lights. We are also visiting my husband’s family for a couple of days- and there is a lot them-so the chaos will be nice; that is what holidays are all about! So, these festivities have got me in a great mood- that and a two week vacation from work!
Overall, things have been going well, more or less. I am, generally speaking, happy. My mother-in-law commented that I seem happier than she has seen me in a while. That is a good thing. I am not always feeling on the verge of tears- another good thing. I am really working hard (and it is hard for me) to not freak out about things and to let them roll. I am trying not to analyze things people say and do in an effort to see if I said or did something wrong to cause it (sometimes with more success than others). I am trying to find a space daily when I am just trying to focus on my breathing and blessings and then on God’s peace. Some days, I can achieve a level of peace before bed and other days, I cannot. I am sure that is not so very different from other people. Some days are great and others are not; that is life.
Sometimes, though, anxiety sneaks up on me and bites me in butt. Sometimes it is social anxiety and sometimes it is generalized anxiety. A couple of weekends ago, my husband and I were going to go Christmas shopping. I was super excited and was playing Christmas music while I got ready. First, though, we had to go pick up our Christmas cards. We got to the place and they couldn’t find them. After 3 different customer service reps, they located the cards, we paid, and left. Next, we decided, since we had Ryan, to go to the eye glass place to buy some new glasses (I need some and Ryan thinks he does). We were hoping to use the BOGO deal to get his new glasses (for the hour a day he doesn’t wear his contacts…but I digress). We went in and there were only 2 other people. I looked around for what seemed like forever and finally found a pair I liked. By then, the place was packed. I finally sat down with a person to start the whole fitting process. I forgot my insurance card, so she yelled over to someone to ask if they could google my company, informing everyone that I had forgotten my card. Embarrassing. Then, I asked about the BOGO deal. Again, she yelled across the store to inquire about whether or not it was best to go with that deal or through insurance. Then she said she had to look up my policy. I told her I would. She then asked if she could go ring out another customer. Long story short- I left. I was feeling uncomfortable and on the verge of tears, so I told her we’d come back when I had my card and quickly walked out the door. Suddenly, I felt so defeated. I just sat there while my husband backed out- and then burst into tears. Needless to say, I no longer was in the mood to shop. I don’t know if I was just horrified that she kept yelling across the store, causing everyone to look at me, embarrassed that I was the idiot who forgot her card, or frustrated that nothing was going right. I have no idea. I just know that I wanted to go home and regroup.
The next day, all was well, so I screwed up the courage to invite some friends over to my house for a girls only night out. Full disclosure: I’ve never done that before as an adult- EVER. Sure, we’ve had friends over before, but they have always been husbands and wives (and kids) together. That always feels safer to me. I can’t explain why; it just does. I will never understand how my brother can be the life of any party, my parents are social butterflies, and I am a social wallflower. Anyway, so I invited 9 people. It was spur of the moment (just 6 days away), during the holiday season, because I’ve always wanted to do this but never had the nerve- and I kept going back and forth for a couple of weeks before finally hitting send. Immediately, 2 people told me they couldn’t come. Then a third…then a fourth…then a fifth. Holy Hell!! This felt like being back in high school and being shunned by the popular kids. Rationally, I knew it was because it was during the busy holiday season and I waited too long to make a decision- but my irrational self told me people were just being nice with their reasons and it was because I am nice enough to talk to at work and all, but duller than a used penny outside of work. I had a good cry then, too- and told myself that I was NEVER doing that again. I kind of just wanted to crawl into a hole and forget I ever asked. In the end, four people came, and I think we had a good time. I enjoyed listening to everyone’s stories and laughing with them. It was fun, but nerve wracking. The whole time I was wondering if they were having fun, were enjoying the food, were wishing the time would go by faster. This is how my mind works. It is oh-so-frustrating. Will I do something like that again? Not sure at this moment, to be honest.
Then there is the constant battle about what those who know me think. Do I come across as friendly? Positive? Fun to be around? Or do I come across as a Debbie Downer? I have no idea. I try to remain positive (at least outwardly) and be a blessing (however small) to those whose paths I cross. I just hope the rest will take care of itself. A friend told me the other day that someone else said that I always “tell it like it is” and that is what they like about me. While that sounds nice, I have spend the past 24 hours wondering if I am really like that- and how that could possibly be a good thing. I always try to be careful with people’s feelings and with what I say. I know I am passionate about my work- and do speak out all the time when I really feel strongly about a topic there- but only because I am advocating for my students. I don’t feel l am outspoken, otherwise…but maybe I am. When I think of outspoken, I think of someone who demands attention and just says whatever pops into their head- regardless of how it might make others feel. So, then I was thinking that I really need to be less vocal at work because I don’t want to be that person- and really make sure I listen more and talk less in social situations (though, I hate the awkward lull in conversation…). My therapist would tell me to just be me- and those who like me, like me. However, don’t you think it is always good to try to improve oneself? I do.
Another social anxiety moment: I am a keeper of secrets. If someone tells me something in confidence, I don’t repeat it. If it is personal, I don’t repeat it. I am a firm believer in the golden rule, and I have been burned before with people sharing things I have said in confidence- so I don’t do it (I also don’t say things that I wouldn’t want the world to know…just in case). The other night, we had friends over and were joking around. I started to say something that I meant as a joke, but it was almost all the way out when I realized it probably would be best if I didn’t say it. Too late. Everyone chuckled and the night rolled on. We all had a great time. I kid you not- I woke up at 3:30 that morning thinking about that moment in time; even though no none seemed bothered it, it bothered me. As soon as I got up the next morning, I texted an apology. Growing up, I would often say stupid things and then have to pull my foot out of my mouth. As an adult, I try very hard to think before speaking…but sometimes my mouth works faster than my brain. Then, it took my friend an entire day to respond- and I was thinking the whole time that she was incredibly angry and was trying to figure out a nice way to tell me I was an ass. As it turns out, her husband had her phone and she didn’t see it until late in the day. By then, I had worked myself into a tither. Lesson here? Trust your friendships a little more- and drink less wine.
I still carry other weird anxieties with me. For example, I hate walking the dog in our neighborhood because I am always afraid people are judging me…or my dog…or both. I do not think so highly of myself that I think everyone wants to stop what they’re doing to watch me saunter by, by any means. I just get this pit in my stomach without any explanation. I can’t wait to get onto the wooded trails, where I am generally by myself. Then, of course, I have anxiety about being in the woods by myself because, let’s face it, my dog is really a chicken in a dog suit- but it is better than being in the neighborhood.
Looking back over this post, I apologize if it is all over the place. I really use this as an opportunity to let out my thoughts and insecurities, analyze them, and then come up with a plan to more forward. The major theme in this one is anxiety- mostly social. I guess that is what I still struggle with the most. I always feel like a train wreck socially. I say things that sound stupid and spend the next 5 minutes kicking myself mentally. I can be too quiet and no fun. I am UNCOMFORTABLE in large settings. I spend a lot of time watching others and admiring the ease with which they interact at large functions. I am definitely much more chill (believe it or not) about my daily interactions than I used to be, but I still have a ways to go! a
Where does all this leave me? I always do some heavy duty thinking as the new year approaches. I see it as an opportunity to take a step (or three) to improve my happiness and well-being. I took a personality test not long ago. As it turns out, I am an ISFJ- introverted sensing feeling judging ( or introverted sensing with extraverted feeling). WTH, right? So, I am heading to the bookstore shortly to buy a book to further explore this. I think it will be interesting to see what my strengths and weaknesses are and how to nurture them- and use them in a way that benefits those around me while helping me to stay in balance better. Here are my current goals for the new year:
1. Lose the 20 pounds I have gained since this whole mess started last March. I stress eat and need to find healthier ways to deal with that. One way is to sign up for a half marathon to get me back in my running shoes (check!). I keep getting emails telling me how many days are left until the race (we’re at 88). That stresses me out, BUT every cookie I eat is more poundage I have to carry for 13 miles, so there is that for a deterrant. I’m also thinking about yoga.
2.Figure out what my personality type means and how I can nurture it in a way that helps me and those around me.
3.Continue to work on putting myself out there in the hopes that I can squash this social anxiety at some point.
4.Cherish those who are in my life more and be more vocal about it. There are many, many people who come and go in life. I’m starting to realize that even though life gets in the way, you need to stay connected- and build more connections. Connections are important and vital to your well-being.
I know I will have more as the new year approaches and I’ve really had time to think and ponder….but life is about to get busy. I wanted to sort through my current thoughts so that I can make room for fun and family! I am planning to lay low these next couple of days to recharge and be ready!
Wishing you all a very merry Christmas and the happiest of new years! I hope 2018 is all that you dream it will be!