I have big plans for this year! I’m going to try to get out there, make connections, grow stronger in my faith, be my authentic self and not give a flip what others think! Sounds great, right? It is! It will be- except for maybe that last part! First for the positives…
I’ve started journaling, which I really enjoy. It’s creative, helps me think things through, and keep me organized- when I do it. My word for the year is grateful, and I’m grateful for so many things! I have been blessed my entire life and continue to be, so I thought writing about all the things I’m grateful for every day would keep depression and anxiety at bay. The problem is, I’m grateful for my bed y’all- and sometimes I’d rather enjoy that than write, so I need to come up with a way that doesn’t make journaling feel like a chore some days. It’s a process, and I just started, so I know I’ll figure it out.
Since I’ve started this journey in March, I’ve done a lot of thinking (when one is diagnosed with a mental illness or two, it causes one to reflect…ALOT), sharing, and reaching out. I have discovered that I am surrounded DAILY by people who get me…ok, maybe not completely, but then we’d all be crazy- ha!…but at least like or love me for me and support me when I need it. That has been an amazing thing to realize. I mean, I knew my family would always love and support me, but I was worried about everyone else- and that was part of my problem. So, if you are worried, reach out to others, share your authentic self, and see what happens. I promise, you will be blessed beyond your wildest dreams. Really! I had no idea that 1. So many (and I mean SO MANY) people feel just like me and 2. So many people would support me on the roller coaster ride WHO AREN’T EVEN MY FAMILY! Seriously, they CAN run away and not only choose not to, but they come closer. I get teary-eyed just writing that. 😍
I’ve been reading some books on learning to love yourself and harnessing your uniqueness. I also read a book about a lady who also has anxiety and depression, along with a myriad of other things- and that made me laugh out loud constantly and realize I could be worse. It’s called Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson. You should read it, really…but not in a public place because she is hilarious and you will laugh out loud. I was on a plane when I started reading and had to stop because people kept looking at me funny- and you know how I am about that. Anyway, I digress. Where was I? Right…lots of thinking. I’ve decided I do like who I am. Yes, I am very quirky and that can be irritating, I will admit. But, I genuinely care about everyone. I want to help everyone- and I mean everyone. I am a good friend. Once you’re my friend, you will always be my friend. Another aside here: I’ve grown in that area, I will admit, over the past 5 years or so. I lost a friend a few years ago because I was quick to anger and not so quick to forgive- and though we’ve made amends, it’ll never be the same- and I will regret that until the day I die. So, don’t do that, people! Learn from my mistake. Basically, my heart is full when I can make someone’s day better. Confession (again): I didn’t used to be that way. I used to be so negative! Not to others- that would just be mean, but about others. I would gossip and complain and see only the bad in people. I’ve worked REALLY had to not be that person. I see myself as a positive person, for the most part. I’ll say it again. I like me (usually…I still have some hang-ups), so I’ve come a long way since March. I’m one who always thinks there is always room for growth, so I will keep growing!
I’m also growing spiritually, which I’m so grateful for and know is making me a better person. I didn’t grow up in a church, per se, but I was never discouraged either. I would sometimes tag along with friends or my grandmother. I had a working knowledge, but was sometimes embarrassed that I couldn’t contribute in conversations in any meaningful way. My husband and I have been dipping our toes in since we got married. We jumped in up to our knees when we lived in NH, but the retreated a bit after a bad experience with a church in Maine. Once we moved here, we started searching again and after many, many awkward visits have found a place that feels like home. We are back in up to our knees and wading deeper little by little. I’ve been reading the Bible, trying to listen to what God is saying, and attending small group (which is uber anxiety producing…like, off the charts, but I’m pushing through because it helps me think and sort things and grow). I feel myself growing closer to God, and that makes me happy and calm…er…calmer.
So, that is where I am right now. I feel great, am surrounded by love and support, am growing as a person, and feel confident- when surrounded by my tribe, my peeps, my people. Now for the less than positive:
I wanted to crawl in a hole this weekend, y’all, and not come out! This is going to sound dumb, but I suffer from anxiety and I’m pretty sure that’s the basis for that diagnosis- when you freak about stupid things, so bare with me. First, I innocently commented on someone’s political post, saying I diasagree with Trump and rolling back DACA and CHIP (because I dislike politics and instead try to look at things through a humanitarian lens). Most people on that thread disagreed and gave reasons. Civil discourse, I loved it! Then some person who doesn’t even know me said I was racist and got all on my case. I referred to Maine as “all white Maine,”(which, statistically it is ) in an effort to explain why I think we need DACA (I can see the diversity more in the south and thus the need). Even when I said I was a Mainer- and always will be- she continued. I stopped responding, though I noticed she directed something at me again today. ANYWAY- that made me sad and anxious. Why would someone think that about me? Should I apologize? Am I a snob, as she insinuated? I kept thinking this all day until I finally wrote a private message to the person who’s comment I replied on and apologized. They were fine and had no idea what I was apologizing for, but it still bothers me! Ugh! Lesson learned: just stay away from politics and try to make the world a better place in other, more tangible- and less volatile- ways. Your PSA for today. Moving on…Then, I had to go ask my son’s wrestling coach- in person- to excuse him from the last half hour of practice on Monday for a prior commitment- and the guy is scary. I mean, he never smiles and gives lots of directives and just intimidates the pants off me- and he talks right up in your face. I like my space, people. If I back up when we’re talking, it’s because you are in my bbble and making me uncomfortable! So, I’m explaining to him, tripping over my words, sweating, and walking backwards because he won’t take a hint! And then I ended up emailing him later to explain again- when I could think clearly and sound like the 45 year old confident woman I am…or at least pretend to be. Then today, we went to a membership meeting at church. We were in a room with the pastor, 4 other couples, and 3 people- most of which we didn’t know- and we were expected to share out- twice! I spent the whole time wringing my hands and praying that I wouldn’t have to share anything more than my name. Next week, we get to stand up in front of the whole congregation, so that’ll be fun. Not! I may need to take the back- up to my happy pill and my happy pill. 😂. Kidding…not kidding.
Clearly, I still have my issues. LOL! Depression has not taken hold in a awhile, but the general feeling will sometimes start to descend out of the blue (seriously- for no reason I can ascertain), but I can usually push it back. If I can’t, I just retreat a bit, give myself a pep talk, and carry on- and that usually works. It’s the anxiety that kicks my butt- and I know it! I try not to put myself in a position to have it start up, but I also don’t want to become a hermit. So, I I’ll keep connecting with those who “get” me, and keep working on not caring about what others think. 2018 will be the year I not only crack my shell, but I kick it to the curb! Blessings to you all! ❤️