When I get especially stressed out, I get something called PVC’s where my heart beat speeds up and gets into a funky rhythm. I feel this weird sort of pressure in my chest, like a butterfly is fluttering around in there- and a strange sensation kind of makes me light-headed for a second or two. These incidents usually last for less than a minute and then they pass. When it first happened, I thought I was having a heart attack and spent a night in the ER hooked up to all kinds of machines. It was interesting to see the spikes and be able to tell the nurse they were coming just before they showed up on the monitor. At least I knew it wasn’t all in my head! After wearing a heart monitor for 24 hours and visiting a cardiologist, it was determined that they were nothing to worry about. Apparently many people get them at times, but not everyone notices. I was told I am overly sensitive to them. Over sensitive- story of my life. Anyway, I have been having them more and more regularly, which tells me that I need this storm I find myself in to pass; I’m getting tired! Last night, it all just hit me- hard. I wanted to throw up- and I felt that way again this morning. So, here I am- laying it all out so I can process this mess before my heart bursts- or I hurl the contents of my breakfast and lunch; either one of which would be bad. :/
Ryan has his good days and his bad. Over the past month, there have been more good days than bad, so we thought maybe the medication switch (which we did a month ago) was finally kicking in. However, this weekend, he has been down in the dumps- again. He won’t listen to reason and rarely leaves his room. I know there are going to be ups and downs- boy, do I know that- but it is hard to watch someone you love with every beat of your heart to suffer them, as well. We don’t dare to leave him alone right now- or send him on the school bus. As a result, Mark and I have shifted our schedules around to accommodate taking him to and from school. Thankfully, our oldest has moved back from Florida, so she can help with things right now- but still; it’s stressful! I check my phone throughout the day, hoping there is no call from his school or text from him asking me to come and get him because he’s having a panic attack that he just can’t get under control. We are holding our breath that the new meds are still building up and trying to regulate the moods. Until then, we watch, wait, and pray.
As you can imagine, this has added a whole new level of stress to our house. In fact, in church today, the pastor was talking about how the bible doesn’t really tell us what heaven or hell looks like- and my husband whispered to me, “He should come to our house to see what hell looks like.” I could only nod because it seems accurate. I feel like you can cut the tension with a knife. We all walk on eggshells. Mark and I aren’t necessarily in agreement with how to handle things with Ryan- because we really have no idea! We also pretend that all is fine in front of the kids, which is exhausting in and of itself. I told him today that I would prefer to be at work than at home these days.
I feel like two different people. At school, I am happy and having fun. I enjoy talking with colleagues and meeting the needs of my students. I try not to judge anyone and to accept everyone where they are at. Everyone is fighting their own battles; I don’t want to add to them. At home, though, I definitely become more quiet and withdrawn. I have time to slow down and think about things. I think about how we got to this place. I think about what I have done wrong. I think about the fact that I am fat and unhappy with how I look and feel- yet have not done anything about it. Then I think that my always thinking this way is probably what gave two of my three kids issues with food. Then I feel guilty for taking this time for myself because I am pulling away from my family- but my family is currently driving me nuts. And around and around it goes. Last night ended in tears. Tears of sadness that I can’t reach my son; he used to be my little buddy, and now he looks at me like he would look at gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Tears of guilt- I have not doubt that I am to blame for many of his issues. Tears of loneliness. Tears of frustration- with myself, my son, my husband, God.
In church today, the pastor was saying that if you don’t trust in God then you don’t believe he is righteous. How can He always be right, yet we don’t put our full trust in Him? Are we calling Him a liar? I am trying really, really, really hard to trust Him. To trust that we are going through this storm for a reason and good will come of it. To trust that we will come out of this stronger people and a stronger family. Sometimes, it is hard to trust Him, though. An area senior in high school died this morning after suffering a cardiac arrest during a cross country meet yesterday. How does good come from that?? Cancer strikes young children and takes them from their families before they even start school. Again, what good comes from that?? People are being kidnapped and/or murdered on a regular basis. Where is the good?? Depression and anxiety cause children to kill themselves at ever increasing rates. How can any good come from that?? I’m not calling God a liar. I do believe He is righteous and we are not meant to understand things right now- but we will when we are called home. My head knows this; my heart wants to. Then I feel guilty for not trusting Him completely. *Sigh*
I know what I need to do. I need to be positive with Ryan and stop nagging or asking questions. I need to work out and eat well. I need to spend more time in God’s word. I need to connect with my family more. I need to connect with people in general more. I need to trust that all this is for a reason, things will get better, and we will all come out of this stronger in the end. But then, there is that little voice that quietly asks, “but what if things don’t get better- and what if we can’t stay strong long enough to see the end?” What then?
There are times I really wish we had not left Maine. Maybe Ryan would have been ok going to the middle school with his bullies- because he would also have had his friends. Maybe it wasn’t about being good enough; it was about being present and enjoying those around me without fear of being judged. Maybe I should have looked for another job in the area. But here is the thing. I love the school I work at now. I love the people and the atmosphere. I love not having to deal with snow for months on end. I love having the ability to go and do just about anything without traveling for hours or having to buy plane tickets. I love our church. I love seeing Mark’s side of the family more and feeling like we actually know them, know them- not just know of them. I miss my people, though. I miss my family and childhood friends who know about all my ugliness and still stick around. I miss apple picking on a crisp fall day. I miss snowfall on Christmas morning. I miss summers where you don’t sweat going to the mailbox. I miss crisp runs on a fall afternoon. I miss home- but I’d miss our lives here if we moved away. Maybe I can just invent a time machine, go back about 15 years, and push pause. Life was much simpler then- and much more enjoyable… and I wouldn’t know what I would be missing from NC. We were called to come down here. I don’t know why, but I know we were. I guess I just need to be patient and work on that trust issue. I get homesick every fall; I have no idea why- it just happens. Can you tell?
I am having to really fight back at the voices in my head whenever I’m not at work. I have a hard time being in the present because I keep digging into the past to figure out what I did wrong so I can right those things moving forward. I also keep looking to the future to try and get an idea of how things will play out. Home right now is full of trying to save Ryan from himself while also keeping my head above water with life happening all around. You’d think 26 years into this parenting gig that I would know what I am doing, but teenage boys are a breed unlike anything I’ve ever dealt with before! We try to gauge what is teenage boy stuff and what is the OCD/anxiety/depression stuff in our dealings with Ryan- and that is very hard to do! I am dancing mightily in a monsoon and am getting nowhere fast. Maybe, though, that is the point. Maybe the lesson here is that the past is over and done. The future is beyond my control. Look at the present and try to find the joy in the present moment. It’s there. It has to be. We all woke up this morning and were given another day. Be present. Enjoy this life and those in it. Be the light for others. Everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about. Give them grace- and save some for yourself!
*I know this is all over the place, but I feel better than when I started. 🙂 This always helps me to organize my thoughts and get things into perspective. Though I write this mostly for myself, I share it in the hopes it helps others in some small way.