Things have settled down a bit inside my head, so I’ve been able to compartmentalize my anxiety for the most part. Are there days I still struggle to get out of bed? Yes- but they are fewer and far between. So, yay! That’s good news! Ryan is still doing well and the girls both seem happy. Life is good- but the struggle, as always, is real.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching of late. I told my therapist that I think I’m having an existential crisis…again. Really, I don’t think I ever resolved the first one, so let’s just call this a continuation. I’ve been reading a lot (which I do anyway- but especially when trying to figure something out) and relying on my faith to try to get a handle on why I’m becoming a recluse and why I can’t ever get to the place where I don’t give two flips about what others think of me. God loves me and made me just the way I am- so why can’t I love myself? I know I’m not a bad person. In fact, I love being by myself. I can just be me- whoever that is. I don’t have to try to please anyone. I’m pretty sure I would be perfectly happy living on a deserted island with the occasional visitor- as long as said island had no snakes or other creepy crawlers and lots of garden space. After lots of reflection, I’ve come up with three main reasons; here they are.
Reason#1: I’m always trying to be what I think others want or expect me to be- and I need validation that I’m doing it right by everyone. I just realized the other day in a conversation with someone why this is. I’m always listening to what people say about others and taking mental notes not to exhibit that trait around this person. For example, in my conversation, someone was telling me the other day that so-and-so is always asking questions about their personal life. To me, that seems like a caring friend. To this person, they were being nosy- so I made a mental note to not ask too many questions about this person’s personal life. I overheard in a meeting last week, “so and so always thinks they have all the answers.” Mental note: Act like you don’t know something- even if you do- with those people. I once had someone tell me that they were disgusted by the cleanliness of another friend’s house- so now I make sure my house is spotless whenever they come. You get the idea. I’m always listening and taking mental notes so I can be the person everyone wants people to be…though it’s never the same person…so that’s a little tricky. No wonder I’m always tired. I think that’s why I so love working with young children- they are honest in their assessment of you and don’t hide it. I had a child tell me last week that my hair was looking “kind of grayish- but it still looks good.” 🤣 They make me laugh daily.
Reason #2: I am fat. I’m not saying fat is bad by any means because if you’re happy in your skin, then I’m happy for you. I am desperately unhappy in my skin. Nothing fits right. I’d probably keel over if I attempted a 5k. I always look like a stuffed sausage. Even when I think I look decent, I see pictures of myself- or a video (my absolute favorite- ha!) and think to myself that I’m never leaving the house again! Of course I have to, so I do…but some days the struggle is REAL, people! Also, I’ve decided, after seeing video and pictures, that short hair is not for me- I have a flat spot on my head and cowlicks everywhere! But…that’s another conversation. Anyway, it’s been two years since I went on antidepressants. The first year, I maintained my weight fairly well because I was exercising and it was a very low dose- just enough to keep me from rolling every conversation through my head over and over to make sure I didn’t say or do something stupid. A year ago this month, I tore a ligament in my ankle and couldn’t exercise for two months. A full pity party ensued. I have always turned to food to deal with my emotions. When you do that and don’t exercise, you start to feel like garbage- and then you start spending more and more time on the couch. My physician recommended doubling my dose last summer because the dark days were becoming more frequent and my anxiety was through the roof! Long story short…I’ve gained 40 pounds. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been in my whole life. Talk about depressing! Oh, the irony! It’s not lost on me! I’m so frustrated with myself because I can’t kick myself into gear to start exercising. I am just wanting to sit on the couch and lose myself in sleep, a book, or Pinterest. I have no will power when it comes to sweets, so I’ve decided to give them up for Lent- again. Relating my need for sweets to Jesus’s sacrifice is pathetic, I know, but it makes me able to avoid them. It’s not easy, but I would NEVER slip up on that! Anyway, I would like to think weight isn’t an issue with anyone because it’s not anyone’s body but your own- but people can be so mean! I think this is the biggest reason why I don’t want to leave the house by myself to go anywhere but work.
Reason #3: My job as a full time mom is winding down. I’ve been a mom since I was 19. Almost 27 years later, my youngest is a sophomore in high school. If you’ve ever lived with a teenager, you know that they think you know nothing and are put on this earth simply to nag them. That would, of course, be inaccurate…but try telling them that! Anyway, I digress. I am not sure what to do with myself with this newfound freedom. I’ve always been the helicopter parent (which is bad…don’t do that…see previous posts) whose whole life revolves around her children and family. Now the children are off doing their own things. I should be excited- and I’ll probably get there at some point, but right now it scares me!
So, where does this leave me? Well, a lot of what I’ve been reading says, to paraphrase, to just be yourself and those who you need around you will stay; the others will go, but they weren’t true friends anyway. Listen to God, follow his teachings, and life will all work out. Sounds simple enough- people do it every day! It scares the bejeebies out of me! Sometimes being me inadvertently hurts others, which I did with a colleague a month or so ago when I let my anxiety cloud my thinking. I owned it eventually, but I still feel like garbage about it. Anyway, is my true self who I am when I’m by myself without a care in the world? When I can sing off-tune, read to my little heart’s content, when I dream of saving the world- one dog and one kid at a time? When I eat noodles with butter and milk for dinner because I’m just in the mood? When my hair is standing on end, I have no make up on, and wearing leggings with a t-shirt trying to do a headstand in my bedroom? (That didn’t end well for one of our dogs- but maybe if I tried it on the flat spot on my head…). I’m really not the serious stick in the mud people think I am- though my anxiety makes me come across that way, I know. As for my faith, I’m always second guessing myself when it comes to hearing God. Is that really Him or my own voice? Also, the book group I’ve been doing at church and a guest speaker I went to see makes it seem that it’s a choice I’m making. Mental illness is the direct result of chemical imbalances in your body. None of it is my fault! I did not choose anxiety and depression; they chose me. So, I’ve backed up a bit and decided to do things on my own terms. I will turn to God more and lay my problems at His feet. I’ve decided that by doing that and listening to His word and doing a better job trying to follow it, I can get His help- but not blame myself for the days I struggle. I’ve also started to dabble in essential oils and want to start eating cleaner. I need more time to figure all this out, but I’m hoping I can cut my medicine in half by the end of this year. Also, I’ve been seeing my therapist regularly. Overall, I’d say I’m in a good place. I still have some things I’m working on, but I have a direction and a plan. After all, we are all works in progress.
As always, I share my thoughts to help me sort things out in my head (where it’s like an 8 lane highway in both directions during rush hour- all…the…time) and also to help others. My biggest take away this time is to be yourself and let the cards fall as they may.- within reason, of course. I mean, if you’re an axe murderer, don’t be yourself; be a monk, instead! Seriously, know that there will always be struggles, but God will always have your back, as will your real friends- the ones who truly care about you. Blessings as we usher in spring…I hope!