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My Epic Journey to China and What It Taught Me

  On June 29, 2019, I boarded a plane that took me halfway around the world from my friends, family, and familiar routines (aka my comfort zone) – and I didn’t return until the wee hours of July 17th. It was a long- and at times arduous- journey (this line sounds like something out of a novel, sorry- but it’s true) and there were days I really had to force myself out of bed and slap a smile on my face.  However, I don’t feel I am overstating things when I say it was a life changing experience for me.  I saw and did things that I’ve only read (or dreamed) about.   I was committed to the full experience…namely because I had no choice given the fact that my return ticket was pretty much set in stone. 💁‍♀️  Left to my own devices, I probably would have flown home after a week- and missed some pretty amazing adventures.  In the vein of David Letterman, here are the top 10 things I learned that will change how I move forward.

1. I am stronger than I ever imagined and can, indeed, handle things on my own.  I mean, I made it through Chinese security at the airport!  That’s a rather intimidating process for someone who suffers from both generalized and social  anxiety disorders!  Seriously, though, there were little things that happened along the way that would normally cause me to turn inward and away from others (or throw up in my mouth while trying not to hyperventilate), but I stood tall and managed by myself with barely a hiccup.  For example, I accidentally took a service elevator up to the 18th floor of the first hotel we stayed at on our very first night there.  I stepped out into a creepy stairwell and realized- as the door to the elevator closed behind me- that I didn’t have a key to access my floor.  For most people, this is no big deal; for me, it means hyperventilating and feeling like I’m going to vomit on a typical day.  On that day, I turned to the elevator, pushed the down button 487 times, and prayed that I wouldn’t get mugged as I waited for it to come back up while gulping deep breaths.  I then endured curious looks from the service people on the ride down.  They were whispering to each other- likely about the crazy American- as I stood with my face turning 10 different shades of red, waving, and breathing deeply while waiting to arrive back on the first floor- where I promptly ran to the lobby and boarded the normal elevator.  I chuckled to myself on the ride up because, well,  leave it to me- BUT also because I handled it without a full fledged panic attack.  I could feel it starting, but was able to breathe myself through it, where I might have instead held it in long enough to get to a room, close the door, and then break down into hysterics.  I even joked about it with my roommate when I finally arrived at her door.  To her credit, she was starting to get worried that I somehow got lost.  (She would soon learn that that would not be an unlikely occurrence on this trip because my sense of direction ranks right up there with my cooking skills…but I digress).  As I have fought to get my mental health back on the upswing, I have struggled to believe in myself in any capacity.  I often would not go anywhere without my husband or a friend- even to places I’m familiar with.  I have, more recently, often stepped out of the comfort zone to try different things that I knew would help me- advocating for my needs and trying to be the real me (no masks) around those I’m comfortable with- and I’ve been mostly successful.  However, my comfort zone was always close by, and I would often retreat to it at the first sign of feeling overwhelmed.  Also my tribe understands me and my struggles, so it’s easier to let it all hang out, if you will.  I mean, they haven’t run away, yet.  On this trip, though, I was often surrounded by people I didn’t know well 24/7 and my comfort zone was half a world away.  I had to learn to cope in other ways, lest my traveling companions all think I was a lunatic!  To do this, I would lie down with my eyes closed to decompress and process stuff, take short walks by myself to blow off steam, pray, and just breathe.  Lo and behold, it worked! Not only was I able to keep it together, I enjoyed myself, for the most part.  I really didn’t know I had it in me!  All these strategies I’ve been reading about and learning in therapy really do work!  Who knew?  I am woman.  Hear me roar!

2. Real living occurs when you step outside your comfort zone. Never, in a million years, would I have thought I would stick my feet into a tank of live fish so they could nibble off the dead skin- but I did it. On a side note, did you ever to stop to think about the people who came up with these kinds of ideas?  Not sure if I’d call them brilliant or crazy!  🤔. Anyway, not only did I do it, but once I relaxed and could see they weren’t doing any harm, I enjoyed it!  My roommate, who was also one of my teammates in school, really didn’t think I’d do it.    I also put on waders, waded through a mucky pond, and caught a fish with my bare hands. Granted, it was dead, which made the catching easier, but I held that sucker in my hands long enough for a picture (Don’t be fooled- I was screaming on the inside).  I danced- up on stage- four or five times while on the trip!  I don’t dance (for good reason, ask those with me who can attest), but I did it for the kids- and I had a blast!  Hell, I went on a trip to China for 19 days against my better judgement, but I cannot possibly be more grateful for the experience! I am ready to LIVE more outside that comfort zone!!  I have regained my sense of adventure because that’s where all the fun is!  If I chicken out of anything, you are all welcome to remind me of this!

3.  Let yourself be vulnerable-really, it will be ok!  Actually, it’ll be wonderful!   I still worry about being enough (of anything), but I have come to realize that I am far from alone in this.  By sharing my struggles through this blog, I’ve come to find that women I’ve long admired for their strength and confidence are really just very good actresses.  We are all struggling to hide our struggles.  It’s exhausting!  I’ve often talked about the masks I wear in order to be accepted by people- different masks for different groups/people- and how it is so emotionally draining.  In fact, I lost my real self somewhere along the way (who knew I’d find her in a country half way around the world?!?) .  What if we all stopped acting and felt free to share our true selves?  I think most people are kind, supportive, and loving at heart; we all just get so caught up in society’s message to always be successful- or at least act like you are.   On this trip, I had too much other stuff going on in my head to put on my usual masks.  I just had to be me or I probably would have lost my s&$t- and you know what?  It was ok!  I found a group of women who totally got me and who had my back.  I am so immensely grateful and hopeful that we will stay in touch.  We had a lot of laughs.  Did I connect with everyone?  No.  There were a handful of people who made be uncomfortable- probably because of the dialogue that runs through my head about being judged or maybe because they were putting on a mask- but I just rolled with it. Not everyone is your peep-and that is totally normal.   Just be you and love on the ones who love you back!  Those are your tribe!  Be vulnerable and help others to remove their masks.  I’ve made friends on this trip that I’d never have made without opening myself up- and my world is a brighter place because of them.  It is hard at first because that voice in your head can be unrelenting, but it’s so worth the risk.  Be your beautiful self!  God made only one of you for a reason and the only way you can follow the path He set for you is if you are true to the person He created!

4.  Getting off social media is a beautiful thing!  The internet was spotty, at best, over there.  When I could get on, I quickly uploaded pictures to FB so I’d have room for more on my phone and to talk to my family.  I didn’t really have time to scroll or check the news.  Instead, I was kept busy teaching,  socializing, exploring the area, trying not to get lost on the metro, and taking culture classes- and that was way more fun!  Don’t get me wrong, I love to keep up with everyone on FB, but I would also often mindlessly scroll.  I LOVED all the culture classes and learning new skills- even though I stunk at most of them (clay 💩 emoji, anyone?).  It was the process that I enjoyed.  It is actually quite relaxing to work with clay, make prints, etc.   Therefore, I’m going to start crafting more- whether it’s Chinese cultural crafting or trying some of the gazillion ideas I’ve pinned on Pinterest.  I vow to be less passive and more active.  Im thinking of trying yoga next week.  That ought t be interesting!  🤣

5.  This world is an amazing place- go and explore it!  I love to people watch; it is just interesting to me to see people go about their day and how they interact with others and the world around them.  We have many DLI teachers from South America in our school district, and a number of them were on the trip with me.  After watching and listening, I am struck by the beauty they see all around them.  Not just one person, but all the people I was watching (not in a creepy, stalker kind of way, but in a “how do they have such joy de vive” kind of way).  It must be a cultural thing.  They all just soak life in and enjoy it without any expectation.  They are very present in the moment- and dang, they are all amazing dancers!  I want to be more like that.  One of them once told me to stop looking at everything in black or white; enjoy the many colors all around you!   Words of wisdom right there!  I saw it in action on our trip.  The Chinese people I interacted with were, for the most part, very gracious and accepting of our being there.   They seemed to interact with each other more, rather than just going about their business.  My take away?  I need to be more present in each moment and be more active in the world around me.

6.  To build on number five, this trip has caused me to take a good, hard look at my own culture.  Let’s start with what the heck is it?  What traditions/crafts/beliefs were handed down for generations that stopped somewhere along the way- or I was just too stubborn to listen to as a kid?  I wish my grandparents were alive so I could ask them.  Are these family traditions or cultural traditions or both?  How can we bring some of those back?  What traditions do we have as a country that we would share with people visiting from another country?  Since we were founded by immigrants, there are different things that are valued by different parts of the country.  Wouldn’t it be fun to explore that?  I’ve learned to love sweet tea down here in the south, as well as some phrases that crack me up (for example, the phrase “Oh bless” is often used when you’ve done something dumb).  I just think life in America used to be a wholly different and beautiful thing before we became so attached to technology and money.  Am I the only one who thinks about these things?  In my defense, it was a long trip back from China and I had lots of time to think!  I know I am looking at China with rose colored glasses, but that was the side we were shown- and I loved it!  I’m not sure I love where our country is at now, but perhaps I haven’t been looking for the beauty of it!  That’s something I hope to explore further.

7.  As I mentioned in a FB post earlier, I have learned a whole new appreciation for the rights I am given as an American citizen.  I can express my opinions freely (though polite discourse is sometimes lost), listen to the news freely, explore social media freely, have dependable internet, change my phone number without formally registering it through the government, travel around this country without having to carry my passport, and the list goes on.  My children are guaranteed the right to an education- and they don’t have to register through the government and carry a card proving they are citizens.  I understand the language and am understood here.  I can find my own church as a citizen and have my own beliefs according to the government (though I know some of my most cherished friends, also American citizens, don’t feel comfortable expressing that right- but that’s another discussion).  Did you know that our group had a government worker assigned to monitor us as we toured China until we were turned over to the school that we taught at (we were then their responsibility)?  That is scary to me.  I didn’t realize that I was holding my breath to a degree until we arrived back on American soil.  Only then did I really feel unconditionally safe. Wow!

8.  This body is not made for jet lag of those proportions.  Twelve hours is flipping your whole day and night around- and that is a hard thing to overcome- especially on the way back, which I don’t quite understand.

9.  Not all police officers are created equal.  I walked into a police department and used my good ol’ Google Translate to explain that my dad is a retired police officer and he collects patches- did they have one I could have or buy?  The answer was a curt shake of the head and a no- so we left.  Only then, we decided to walk back in and ask if I could have a selfie with them and the police logo.  No, no, they don’t do that.  No smiles or anything.  We went out a second time…and decided not to go back in.  Though I did get a quick selfie earlier with another police officer at a park…only I didn’t ask and I was there and gone before he knew what hit him.  Not sure if this is ripped from the page of a book entitled, “ How to End Up in a Chinese Prison”, but I didn’t stick around to find out.

10.  Squatty potties are not for me because I do not have that kind of flexibility or thigh power.  Nor am I rich enough to replace the shoes I’d have to throw away due to the sticky floor and the splash factor.  The first thing I did when I got home were to throw my shoes into the washing machines because  🤢.

My trip to China was the experience of a life time!  There were so many amazing people and things to see!  It makes me want to start traveling more and gave me a can-do spirit.  In fact, I have not felt this strong and empowered in a long time!  My advice to end is that it is ok to slow down and take the time to smell the roses; your responsibilities will still be there when you’re done- and they’ll seem more palatable.  Seize the day…and make sure to take God along as the copilot!   ❤