Month: February 2020

This year has been off to a very rough start.  Though, to be honest, it has just been a continuation of the stuff I have been dealing with for quite some time.  I have been constantly stressed out and that is seriously affecting my mental health.  In fact, I am waiting to get into the doctor to have her up my antidepressant.  Over the past couple of months, I have noticed physical effects, as well.  My hair is falling out, my palms are constantly itching and peeling, the PVC’s in my heart are more frequent, my jaw dislocated due to grinding/clenching my teeth, and I cannot sleep without some sleep aids.  Additionally, my weight yo-yo’s more than the weather in NC this winter.  I have been constantly on edge and constantly feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I know it is time to make some changes to bring a little more joy back to my life.  Are you feeling the same way??

My husband and I have decided to downsize.  We want a smaller house, less stuff, and more time to do the things that we enjoy.  To that end, we are trying to find the perfect piece of land on which to build our cozy cottage, while getting our current house ready to put on the market.  We will be having a yard sale this spring in an effort to get rid of all our STUFF.  I’m excited to start paring things down!  I want a more simple life.  More time with the ones we love and care about, more time outside, more time on hobbies we enjoy- and less time on stuff that brings us stress and strips us of contentment.  If you are feeling the mental and physical effects of stress and anxiety, can you downsize some part of your life?

The other change I am making is with my career.  After 20 years in the classroom, I am “retiring” from teaching at the end of this school year.  This has been my biggest source of stress and something I have thought about over the last year or so.  I am a perfectionist and a rule follower when it comes to my job.  I am constantly reflecting on what I can do better and how I can better meet my kids’ needs.  When admin tells us to do something, I try to do it.  However, over the past couple of years- and especially this year, there is less time for that reflection and more that admin wants us to incorporate.  In addition, kids are being turned into data points.  How can we engage this child to help them raise their score?  This child is not growing according to this assessment; what can we do to make them grow?  I always think of this cartoon when we start talking about kids as data points.

It is so true!  Some children just take longer than others to learn- and they learn and demonstrate their learning in different ways.  It stresses me out to assess kids day in and day out in order to have data points to validate what I am doing.    In hindsight, I should have made this move at the end of last year so that I could finish my career at a pinnacle.  I was my school’s Teacher of the Year and made it into the top ten for my whole district of 2,300 teachers.  I knew I was being moved to third, which is the most tested grade in all of elementary school- but I couldn’t quite pull the trigger, which is unfortunate.  Now, I am in a valley.  Generally, I have to fight off a panic attack  every Sunday night- and even once during the week this past week.  I was told by admin that I have been too negative in planning (which is true, I will admit); I didn’t ever want to be THAT person- but it has just gotten to be too much.  I am working 50-60 hours a week and barely keeping my head above water. I eat, sleep, and breathe work.  It is time for a change.  Since handing in my resignation, I have felt sadness and anxiety (change is hard)- but also some relief.  I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am going to miss my school, my colleagues, my admin, and, most of all, the kids- but I have to do what is going to allow me to live my life with more joy and less stress (and, hopefully, less medication).  Are you in a job that requires more of you than you can comfortably give?  Can you look around for other options?  Change is scary- but regret is scarier.

I have been doing a lot of praying.  I feel like God was telling me to make the change, that He has something in store for me that will help me to make an impact in a different way.  The more I tried to reason myself out of resigning, the more I felt weighed down by staying.  I think this was God- so I took the leap of faith and handed in the resignation.  I am now praying about next steps.  Where do you want me, God?  Where can I make a difference?  Point me in the right direction and give me the resources to follow through.  He’s got me; I know I am going to be ok.  He has you, too.

For those of you out there struggling with the weight of the world, look at where you can make changes- big or small.  Can you downsize so that you have less to take care of or more money to do what you want- or both?    Surround yourself with God’s word.  I’ve really struggled with trusting Him because there is just so much evil and bad in this world.  However, I’ve come to learn, by studying scripture, that God never said there would not be pain.  After all, he gave us free will, which we sometimes use in a way that causes Him and others pain. Most importantly, He said that he has plans to prosper us and give us hope in the future.    Whatever your season, you can lean into His promise.  You can also lean into your support system.  You get one shot at this life.   You need to find joy, even if it requires some changes.   Find the easiest thing to change and start there.  You’ve got this!

 

This year has gotten off to a shaky start, to say the least.  Just in the past eight days, my husband ruptured a disk in his back, I woke up to find that I had dislocated my jaw in my sleep, and our dog needed stitches.  I kid you not, it’s been a week.

The month of January has not been much better, so I’m glad to flip the calendar to February!  Let me give you the abbreviated version.  First of all, our son hates school.  This is not because it’s hard (he gets straight A’s with very little effort); it’s because it’s filled with people, which he is not a fan of.  On top of that, finals were a week after break.  Needless to say, he spent the first two weeks of 2020 in a funk.  At my school, we jumped right into mid year testing, which has taken most of the month.  I abhor testing.  I know where my kids are in relation to where they need to be.  Giving them test after test after test only stresses us all out.  So, I’ve been in a funk.  My husband has been dealing with back pain for over a month, so he’s been in a funk.  Our house has had a black cloud over it.

For reasons I can never explain, depression decided to rear it’s ugly head during all this.   That is different than a funk.  A funk is feeling like you’re dealing with so many things that your head might explode.  Depression is feeling like not dealing with anything because you just don’t have it in you to care.  It’s not that you don’t want to care.  You just can’t because you are trying to deal with a complete sense of worthlessness and exhaustion.  I can pretend well.  My therapist says it’s uncanny.  I say it’s lots of practice.

In amidst the month from hell, my facade crumbled one day.  Someone I thought had my back ALL THE TIME told me that I piss them off with my moodiness.  Let’s pause for a moment here and insert a lesson.  One should never, under any circumstance, tell a person that their emotions piss you off; it just won’t end well for anyone.  No one asks to feel a certain way- or tries to remain unhappy.  You most definitely should not do that with someone that you KNOW suffers from a mental illness (or 2) that they cannot always control- regardless of how hard they try.  I worry, constantly, about disappointing people -God, my parents, my husband, my kids, my brother,  my students, my church, my bosses, my friends, my colleagues.  My dogs, for crying out loud.  I stuff my emotions down, slap a smile on my face, and do the best I can with what I have been gifted.  This one time, I couldn’t, so I shared-  and I was told I piss them off.  I know they were angry.  I know we sometimes say things in anger that we wouldn’t otherwise say.  I know this…but I also think that if you said it, you must think it…regularly.  I ended up on the bathroom floor, crying hysterically.  It’s hard when you suddenly feel like it’s you against the world- because, surely, if this person was thinking this, other people were as well.  When I had no more tears, I climbed onto my couch and googled how much of my antidepressant I would need to take to OD.  You see, I was exhausted from always fighting and worrying.  There is not a day that goes by that I’m not worrying about my impact (or lack there of) on people.  There is not a day that goes by that I’m not fighting to be genuinely happy.  It just is what it is- but it’s also exhausting.   I was convinced everyone would be better off in the long term if they no longer had to deal with me and my moodiness.  As it turns out, I’m not given enough meds at one time to do that, in case you were wondering.  Probably by design.   🤔 Anyway, I didn’t/don’t want to die; I just didn’t/don’t want to be a disappointment or burden to anyone.  Thankfully, I’m not an impulsive person, so I laid there for a couple of hours, realized that was insane (pun intended- ha!), and called my therapist.    To be frank, the fact that I even had that thought scared the hell out of me!  I felt better after leaving her office, told my husband, and have just picked up and continued moving forward, one day at a time.

Since that monumental bump (mountain?) in the road, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to bring more peace to my heart and mind.  The dislocated jaw was from grinding/clenching my teeth at night (with a night guard for that express purpose) due to stress.  Clearly, I need to make some changes.  I’ve been lighting my twinkle lights and candles for that hygge feeling at night, walking my dogs more to get out of the house, and trying not to spend every waking moment working or thinking about work.  I’ve been pinning all kinds of craft ideas on Pinterest (now to find the time to do them).  My husband and I want to downsize our house and belongings so that we have more time and money to do things we enjoy.  We’ve never been “keep up with the Joneses” kind of people, so it is a much anticipated transition!  My husband wants to downsize the dogs, but that ain’t happenin’!  I’ve been turning to God more and more, which is likely what this latest trial was designed to do.  A daily devotional, that I swear always speaks to my specific needs, is the most important way to start my day!  Check out today’s below!

So much for shorter, more positive posts…sorry!  I just thought it was important to share some reminders with people.  No one asks for-or basks in- mental illness.  Most people fight like crazy to stay ahead of it.  Most people try to hide it so as not to be a burden- so if someone shares things with you, listen without judging!  Check in on people, even if they seem to have it all together.  Hand out love and grace to everyone like it’s the air we breath because we all need it!  Don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in someone’s shoes (or head).  Give out affirmations like they’re candy.  Love on people and be accepting!  Love is, after all, what makes the world go round!   Here’s to the rest of 2020; may it be a smoother ride!   ❤