As many of you know, I took a new job this fall as an instructional coach. An instructional coach works with teachers to help them improve in areas that the teachers want to improve. Due to Covid and our district changing course every month or so, I have been right out straight. I love the job and, to be honest, it probably saved my career in education. However, I am not a fan of change- at all- and it’s been kind of a rough transition at times.
I work at two schools- and I love both of them. They are filled with amazing, talented, and friendly people. In one school, I receive very little direction, so I just do my own thing and help out where needed. In the other school, I am VERY involved in many aspects of things- and I work closely with the principal and guidance counselor- but I still don’t get a lot of direction in coaching. The principal is a very cerebral kind of guy. He is always thinking, always pushing you to do better, and expects you to always give 110%. In short, he makes me a nervous wreck. I don’t know why because I have many of the same characteristics…which could explain some things (which I will go into later), but he does. My anxiety has been building all year because
1. I dislike change.
2. I dislike failing.
3. I like having direction and knowing what I am doing.
4. I dislike change…and failing. (Have I mentioned those yet?)
I went into this position expecting to pass my wisdom onto teachers who needed it (Bahahaha….just kidding.). I actually went in there expecting to have some idea of what I should be doing based on what I know about teaching; I figured the transition would be easy. As it turns out, there is a certain finesse to that process that I do not yet possess…which has become very evident.
Without getting into all the gory details, let me just say that things came to a tipping point yesterday and I was called to the principal’s office (virtually, of course, because…well…Covid). It is just as scary at 48 as it was at 8, in case you were wondering (not that I went there a lot…or ever, really…well, there was that one time….). He was incredibly nice and sincere as he essentially told me that I had handled a particular situation (that I had been working on for the past 6 weeks) wrong. I listened and barely responded because I would have burst into hysterics if I did, and when it was done, I spend a fair amount of time crying, leaning over a trash can, and willing myself off the ledge before I vomited, had a heart attack, started hyperventilating- or a combination of all of the above (which is always a fun time- not). The guy was not wrong- in fact, he was 100% correct in his assessment, but it still hurt.
I sat with my hurt for a bit and reflected. That is when anxiety REALLY took over and my head turned things all around into something really ugly. I was convinced that there was something wrong me as a person, that I could never do this job, that everyone hated me because I was a bad person, and on and on, and on. This has been happening with increasing frequency and I knew where this was headed, so I called my therapist for an appt and was able to get in (virtually, of course). By the time I got home, my eyeballs were so puffed up that I could barely keep them open. I am sure I looked like a train wreck. I spent the night on the couch reading, reflecting, and trying to pull myself back to reality. As I was discussing things with my husband, he pointed out that this whole train wreck is not just because I don’t know what I am doing as a coach (which I am learning…painfully slowly…but still learning), but also because I always feel like I have to prove myself. I always feel like I’m not good enough and I have to prove to the world that I deserve to be where I am. I deserve the job. I deserve to take up space. More to ponder…so I went to bed- at 7:40pm and slept straight through until this morning.
When I got up, I had a chat with God. I asked Him for clarity, confidence, and the ability to learn from this. I just have to share the INCREDIBLE peace that came over me. On the drive to work, which I was convinced was going to be an anxiety-filled ride from hell, I just was so grateful. I was grateful that things came to a head, grateful that I could apologize to the person (people) I was bossing around like a tyrant, and grateful that I work for a principal who (while intimidating at times) truly cares and wants to help everyone improve in their positions. I walked into that school with my head held high, thanked the principal in person for the conversation, shared with him some insights that I had had in the past 12-14 hours, and went about my day. He was happy with my insights and things only went up from there. I got a number of emails from staff at both schools thanking me for all the help I’ve given them and telling me that they are so glad I am working with them. I have gotten 1 or 2 in the past couple of months, but this was like 5 or 6 people today- which is, I am sure, something that God knew I needed and He provided. Isn’t He amazing?!?
Today, I feel like I have finally emerged from the anxious hole that I’ve been in since the start of the school year. I know I CAN do this job- I just need to train myself on how to do it well. I will still need to ask lots of questions- and I will still have missteps along the way- but I have the capacity to do this. I still feel a bit like an outsider at both schools, as I am never there full time and I don’t go do any of the social things that they all do together (again…Covid- with a splash of social anxiety), but that is ok. It will come over time.
Sometimes the manner in which I flip from fine to an anxiety filled crazy person to a person whose depression makes it hard to even pretend to smile makes my head spin- especially since I need to project the “I’m fine” facade to the world. However, it has not been the downward slide that I had 3 years ago. It’s been more like a marathon with lots of ups and downs. I have strategies that I use to pull myself back from the ledge- and 99% of the time, they do the trick…until the next time. It’s been a little more consistent over the past month or so because change is so hard for me. Yesterday was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back and I knew that there was no pulling myself out of that one. So, I reached out to my “team” and am back on an even keel. I know this is just the way that it is going to be, and I am ok with that. Does it stink? Yes. Do I wish that anxiety and depression would go away forever? Yes. However, these are the cards I’ve been dealt, and I will play the hell out of them.
Let me tell you another great God story. Recently, a friend reached out to me about a family member who has suddenly been having mental health issues. She was asking me about my journey, how I can sleep at night, and strategies I use that might have the fastest impact. I was able to share with her the wonders of Melatonin (complete with the whackadoodle dreams) and weighted blankets. The fabulous work of therapists and medications. The fact that the family member is not alone. I really feel like I have been placed where I am in life and given my trials because I can use them to help others- just like I look to others to help me.
I haven’t posted in awhile and wanted to share this latest wild ride with you all. I am not on Facebook as frequently as before (nor do I do more than read the news headlines now) because they both are not great for my mental health. I need to spend time being in the moment and enjoying it- not worrying about how I compare to others (or whether or not this country is going to implode). Mental health issues are no fun. I am not going to paint a rosy picture. However, I am a stronger person for having learned strategies for dealing, for having assembled a team that I can call on when things get hairy, and for sharing my story. There is power in sharing experiences and reaching out to help others- or accepting help from others. If you are struggling right now (as many are thanks to Covid), reach out and get help. Change something in your routine to shake things up and give you a fresh perspective. Know that the down times are always, always, always followed by up times. Rest in the fact that God created you to be you. He doesn’t want you to be like everyone else; the world needs YOU. Bless you all!!