The last month or so has been a bit of a wild ride, emotionally. I feel like most days I am up, but, man, there have been SO MANY sleepless nights. Some of those nights are because I lay in bed with my mind going 800 mph, unable to fall asleep, and some of those nights are because I have nightmares that wake me up in a cold sweat…which then make me lay there with my mind going 800 mph, unable to go back to sleep. And I am someone who needs my sleep! As a result, I have been on edge- constantly.
The school year with my first graders ended today- and with that comes a sense of relief. I have not been with them since March 4th, but I have felt guilty every day since then. I have felt guilty for adding things to the plates of my already overwhelmed colleagues. I have felt guilty for abandoning my class (though I knew they had my rockstar TA leading them to a successful end of the school year). I have felt guilty to the parents of those kiddos, as their kindergarten year didn’t go smoothly, thanks to Covid- and then their first grade year didn’t, thanks to their teacher leaving in March. I know I did what I had to do for my family and for myself, but the guilt was still present. Now, hopefully, I can let that guilt go. They finished the year successful (again, thanks to my amazing TA) and can enjoy their summer break, ready for second grade.
There have been health concerns of people I love- and then my uncle died of cancer. May was not a banner month in those regards. 🤦♀️ He is my first aunt or uncle to pass away, so I find myself in new territory. How do I support my cousins? How do I support my aunt? IDK. My son continues to struggle with gastrointestinal issues and now weighs less than his freshman year of high school…and his gastroenterologist is suggesting it could be a mental health issue. While I disagree- and some recent testing supports my feeling, it is too early to tell. Hopefully, we get answers this month. How do I fix my people? How do I heal broken hearts or tangled minds? How do I provide support to people who need it who live so far away? Again, IDK.
I have tried, my entire life, to make people happy. I wanted to make my parents happy and proud growing up. I wanted to make my cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents happy. I wanted to make my friends happy. I wanted to make my teachers happy. I wanted to make my husband and kids happy. I wanted to make my bosses happy. I wanted to make my students and their parents happy. You get the idea. For the longest time, I really thought was the way of the world. Shouldn’t everyone be doing this so we all can be happy?!? 🤷♀️ I have learned, through years of therapy, that this is not a healthy way to be. You cannot be responsible for other people’s happiness. You cannot make other people like you- no matter how hard you try. Everyone has their own baggage and way of looking at things…over which you have zero control. Everyone has their own moral code or belief system…again, that you cannot control. It is what it is. I have tried, over the past 4 years, to stop doing this- and I have had success at times, but I always fall back into this habit. WHY?!? This is a question that I wrestle with. Just when I think I’ve overcome that need, something reminds me that I haven’t. Let me give you an example. On Tuesday, I was grocery shopping (which ranks right up there with having my toenails pulled out one by one, but I digress). I was waiting behind this man who was literally picking up every single large ham in the casing, examining it, putting it aside, and moving onto the next one. Impatient, I reached around him and grabbed the pork chops I needed. Then I quickly grabbed a bag just over and to the right of his head and started to put the meat into the bag. He turned around and said (somewhat angrily, but politely), “Ma’am, do you mind not getting into my space, PLEASE.” I apologized (because he was right, of course) and quickly turned around, fighting tears and trying to put as much distance as possible between me and him. This was a total freaking stranger-and I was upset that he was upset with me. What the actual F*&k? The rest of the trip, I replayed what he said in my head over and over again…and did so again that night. Which then led me to think WTH is wrong with me that I can get that upset by some random person’s comment- to the point where I could picture his face and repeat the words he said verbatim while laying in bed a good 8 hours later? That is a question I will be asking my therapist next week (gotta’ make her earn that $$$), BUT….in the meantime, I bought a book about being a highly sensitive person and how to make that work to my advantage. As I’ve been reading it, I’ve been amazed at how much it echoes with me. It is not a weakness; it is a valuable trait that is needed in this world…or so the book tells me. 🤪
I know I am skipping around here, but bear with me. Last month, I posted something about LGBTQ+ rights. I had people that I considered friends “unfriend’ me on FB- and one will not even respond to my texts. So, of course, that has weighed heavily on my mind…and been replayed over and over and over again. I think I came on too strong. I would like to brush it off and not care, but I do. UGH! Here is the thing, though. The issue affects two of my children and more than a handful of my friends. So, I did what I always do when I start to second guess my stance on things- I read and researched. I have read 3 books on being transgender (since that is a red button issue right now), a number of books on religion, and one book on being gay in the church. (Reading is my number one hobby, in case you couldn’t tell- followed closely by napping. HA!) Here is what I have learned. NO ONE wants to be part of the LGBTQ+ community. NO ONE sits down and thinks, you know, I think I will become something that will make me marginalized in my community, looked down upon in my church, and can, potentially, get me thrown out of my family. People in this community have-by far- higher rates of suicide and self harm than the general population. I wonder why. (That is sarcasm.) News Flash: People who are part of the LGBTQ+ community are born that way…and then bring those who care about them into the community with them to be their supports. There is science that backs this up. Peer-reviewed studies, put out by reputable organizations. News Flash #2: The people who pull verses out of the bible saying that they prove God abhors homosexuality are not looking historically at the time in which a lot of the bible was written. Did you know that the term homosexuality was not even IN THE BIBLE until the 20th century, when interpreters put it in there. In biblical times, it was expected that people would be in a monogamous relationship….not sleeping around- and when God was angry with men sleeping with men, it was because those same men were sleeping with women- hence they were not being monogamous. I am not going to get into all of this in this blog post because everyone needs to do their own research. However, after doing my own, I realized that I am not going to apologize for speaking up for the oppressed- not as a Jesus follower, not as a citizen of this country, not as a friend, and certainly not as a mother. In my online devotional today, there was the following quote: “I know Jesus loves justice; we serve a God who cares about the oppressed and those who feel they don’t have a voice, so I think it is important for me as a Christian to be a part of the discussions and the groups seeking change…” I could not agree more- even if it will make me anxious to anger some of my friends and family.
I think being a Christian is tricky right now (see my last blog post). I love Jesus with all of my being, and I strive to live as He has taught. I could definitely do better, and I constantly ask Him to fill me with his Holy Spirit and to rid me of those thoughts that go against his teachings. I cannot, however, bring myself to go back to church. Not only that, but I have friends and family who are staunch conservative Christians who disagree with how I view Jesus’s teachings and I think I’ve ticked them off. What is a girl to do? This girl tries to smooth the waters by not being provocative on social media (at least not every day…). But then, my anxious brain thinks in loops: Aren’t you supposed to shine Jesus’s light and love? Aren’t you supposed to spread His word? Yes, but when I do, I feel attacked by friends and family who tell me I am wrong. Maybe they are right? No, Jesus gravitated towards the oppressed; He was their voice. Yes, but these people have more “church going time ” than me- surely they know better? What about people who are your friends on FB, but that you’re not close with? What will THEY think? Will you scare them away? Does it matter? Aren’t you supposed to speak your truth? And round and round it goes until I just collapse under the weight of my thoughts. Like I said, this month has been a wild ride.
Everything I have written here ties in together. It is all about wanting to make others happy, feeling guilty when I do the opposite, and letting it bring me down to the point of questioning myself- constantly. Man, I feel like the weight of the world has lifted just writing this all down. Things have become clearer just spelling it all out. Whew! I need to do what is best for myself and my family, while turning more and more towards Jesus. I need to continue to read God’s words and examine their meanings while asking Him for guidance. I need to not let this world, and all its corrupt thinking, get to me. I need to love on those who need the love, lean on those who I trust will hold me up, and prop up those who need propping. I need to live what I preach and understand that if someone turns their back on me, no matter how I felt about them, they are not my people.
Find your people. Find your tribe. Find your happiness. Also, thank those people who have propped you up. Thank those who are in your tribe. Let them know how much you appreciate them because everyone struggles and could use encouragement; some just struggle more than others. Shower grace like confetti. Let people’s anger wash over you (unless you were wrong….then apologize) and move on. Talk to people you trust. Bounce things off from them. You don’t have to agree with everything your people say, but you can still care about them; they can still be your people. Shine your light and don’t let this world dim it. Shed the weight of other’s opinions- and when you figure out how to do that, let me know. 😉. Happy summer, peeps!