Wow! It’s been over 2 years since I’ve posted on here- and that last post was a doozy! It is, however, why I am posting today. We are starting to wrap up Mental Health Awareness Month, and it’s a great time to remind people to extend grace, be inclusive, be kind with your words and actions, speak up about your own feelings /emotions, and check on those you love and care about- even if they seem fine. Reread my last post and know that that could be you or a loved one at any moment in time- and that our mental healthcare system remains a joke. Be the person someone else needs- even if they don’t know they need you yet! Be the blanket to catch others as they fall when the system fails them. Also, take care of yourselves! You can’t help others if you don’t put on your oxygen mask first.
Overall, life is just like the title says. Ryan is in a great place. He was diagnosed with Autism shortly after his suicide attempt- and it has made ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD!! I have kicked myself senseless trying to figure out how I missed this when he was little- considering I’m a teacher and all- and I still don’t know. Things we thought were just anxiety or OCD or just Ryan quirks were actually symptoms of Autism…and symptoms of Autism mimic symptoms of anxiety, OCD, and such. Blaming myself was like being trapped on a hamster wheel with a hamster on stimulants; you just go round and round and get nowhere-but you end up feeling like sh&t. So, I stopped blaming myself and just embraced the diagnosis, just as Ryan has. It does explain so many things, thinking back. Ryan says he feels better knowing there is a reason for his brain working the way that it does- and he’s not crazy. Neurodivergent is the new word in our house because that is what he is…I am…and his sisters are. His dad, bless his heart, just loves us all and is a saint! Most people are neurodivergent in some regard. Neurotypical has been found to be a farce, something put out by society as a measure of some sort. Anyway, Ryan is doing great and is back to himself now. He still has his days, but he uses strategies he has learned over the years (who knew he was actually listening?!?) and his own research to handle them appropriately.
My oldest has moved to Maine since I last updated this blog. She hates it- even though she grew up and has family there. She said there’s not as much to do on a whim (true) and people are not generally as friendly (hmmm…not sure I agree with this one, but then again, I don’t interact with the people she does). She was a Maine State Trooper for a brief while, trying to follow in her grandfather and uncle’s footsteps. However, rural patrol was not her thing after being with CMPD- and she did not feel entirely safe being in the backwoods with no close back up. Long story short, she joined Portland PD and is starting to find her place there. Which means, she is starting to enjoy her job again. She has been dealing with some pretty major health issues, for which she cannot get answers, so that has been dragging on her a bit- as has home sickness. It’s been a lot for her and a lot for my mama heart. Thankfully, her grandparents have been helping me keep tabs on her. Hopefully, she is coming out on the other side of things.
My middle daughter is planning a wedding! It is exciting and she is enjoying the process, overall. We went dress shopping last weekend and she found THE ONE. Her excitement was tempered with her negative body image. I got all teary eyed when she was trying it on because she looked like a princess- but I could tell she was not loving her body in it. This girl wears her heart on her sleeve and always has. She has hated her body for years now, which breaks my mama heart. She is working hard to lose some weight before walking down the aisle, but I want her to do it for her- for her overall health, for her self-esteem, for her. On her wedding day, she is going to be the most beautiful person in that room- hands down, regardless of what the scale says! But society and it’s unrealistic expectations need to back off!
As a mother, you always carry your children’s cares, burdens, and joys and make them your own. Some days, it is hard! Other days, it is the absolute best! Always, I am so happy and proud that I can call those 3 humans mine. They are fabulous, caring, and strong people who make the world a better place- even if they don’t always realize it!
Overall, I am doing great! Things have been hard at times (see above), but life is good. I have a handle on my anxiety, more or less. Sometimes, like when I agree to attend something so far outside my comfort zone that I cannot even SEE it, I have to use every strategy in the book and still rely on my husband to peel me off the roof the car and stay with me throughout the entire event. Other times, I can hold my own by using one or two strategies. Sometimes, my brain leaves me alone and does what is supposed to. Other times, it tells me lies that have no grounding in reality but are very convincing (people are staring at you, your colleagues are annoyed with you, that child’s parent can’t stand you, admin doesn’t like what you are doing) and I have to use 2 or more strategies before I can talk myself down from a panic attack. Sometimes, someone can yell at me on the road and I can smile and just drive off. Other times, I replay what unfolded in my head from multiple angles to see if it was actually my fault. Sometimes, I can have conversations with people and walk away never to revisit it. Other times (ok, lots of times), I replay the conversation in my head over and over to make sure it went alright. Funny story…my husband once asked me what I was thinking about on the drive home from some social event. Let’s just say that he hasn’t asked since. I have anxiety and that will never go away; what has changed is my ability to handle oncoming panic attacks or to talk myself off a ledge 95% of the time. That’s pretty good, in my opinion.
I was thinking about my Love Language the other day (it’s a book- https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241) because I had a conversation with someone who brought it up. I had to read it for work once (there is a business one, but it’s the same idea). Anyway, my receiving love language is words of affirmation, which is why I am always looking for, well, words of affirmation all the time. My giving love language is acts of service- which is why I always want to do things for others, regardless of the circumstances or appropriateness. My goal is now to try to figure out other people’s love languages so that I can give them what they need- not what I need to give them. Just another thought on how I might support others’ mental health.
Body image is something I have struggled with pretty much since adolescence. I was a 3 sport varsity athlete back before social media, so one would not think it would have been an issue- and I don’t think it was a big one- but it was there. In middle school, a family member called me bubble butt in jest. I still remember it and how it made me feel. I graduated from high school 34 years ago next month (oh, how it pains me to write that), but I STILL remember that someone wrote cow in my yearbook with an arrow that pointed to me. They tried to erase it, but the damage was done. I wish I could be as skinny now as I was in high school…even though I thought I was fat then. Are women ever really happy with their body? I am currently the heaviest I have ever been…full stop. Menopause was like a 10 year ride around a candy shop with frequent stops. My hormones and feelings were all over the place- and I am, without a doubt, an emotional eater. While the hormones were doing their best to hijack my brain, my body decided that my metabolism needed a break from working so hard so it slowed down….or maybe stopped altogether at times, I really don’t know. I think I have finally hit the finish line, as my body is starting to feel like my own again in every respect. Hot flashes are holding on with all their might, but I now look at them as sparks of fat burning. LOL! Anyway, I started running again and was up to 4 miles every other day. When I can work out, I am INFINITELY less likely to eat poorly, as I didn’t do all that work for nothing. I lost about 20 pounds. Then, I went hiking, fractured 2 bones and tore my meniscus. I have probably eaten back at least 5-10 of those pounds. I am incredibly frustrated with my body, myself, and these &^%$ crutches, currently. I am hoping and praying that I will get off them in just a few days and walk out of the orthopedic surgeon’s office on my own 2 feet. At the same time, I am trying to mentally prepare myself for a bit more time on my arch nemeses. I am preparing to start working out again, though I know it is going to be slow going- and that is ok. I have had some time to think about this body of mine. At first, it was in a negative light- as in, I am embarrassed to be seen wearing most of my clothes right now. But then…then, I had some other thoughts:
- This body allowed me to play all kinds of competitive sports and do all kinds of challenging things throughout my 51 years… and will continue to do so, regardless of my inability to sometimes put one foot in front of the other. Bahahaha!!
- This body allowed me to carry and give birth to 3 pretty fabulous humans.
- This body has carried me through some of my darkest days.
- This body walked me down the aisle to marry my absolute favorite person on this earth.
- This body allowed me to raise my 3 kids and give them a pretty awesome childhood.
- This body has carried me through and healed some pretty gnarly injuries.
- This body has remained healthy (more or less) even though I’ve not always taken such great care of it.
- This body is aging pretty well, for all that it’s been through.
- This body is pretty damn amazing for all that it is and does, but it is not ME. It is the shell that carries my soul, my brain, my feelings, and emotions- the real me.
- This body might not be society’s idea of perfect- or even a doctor’s idea of perfect at the moment- but it is doing it’s job pretty damn well. Also- newsflash- my body is not going with when my time here is done. It is the vessel that holds ME right now..and overall, I kind of like me! 🙂
So, as Mental Health Awareness Month comes to a close, know this: You are loved. No one is perfect. Your body is your vessel; it’s what is on the inside that counts the most. You have something that this world needs that only YOU can give. Do not leave this world with whatever that is still inside you! Talk to God; ask Him for your purpose and live it to your fullest! Have fun with it! Life is a gift! Enjoy the ride! That person you look up to and wish to be like? They have their own issues and look up to some other misplaced idea of perfection. Don’t compare yourself to others! Do your thing! The world is more beautiful when we are our authentic selves. Find your tribe and be yourself! Always include others! Act with grace, as you have NO idea what other people are going through. Be humble! Trust in your path. May you be a light for others! All the things!!
I am thinking this will be my last post, as it costs an arm and a leg to keep this blog going, and I think it has served it’s purpose. I hope you’ve enjoyed the ride! Thanks for following along and encouraging me when I needed it. I also hope that this has served as an encouragement for others!