I haven’t written in awhile for a few reasons. First of all, I have been in a pretty good headspace, for the most part. Secondly, I feel like life is going by at about 100mph, and I am having a hard time finding the time for me. Third, I think I lost my purpose for writing. As I sit here on only day 2 of Covid quarantine (without my dogs, even), I am finding myself reflecting on a hard week and with lots of time on my hands.
Overall, I have been doing pretty well. Anxiety is ever present, but I let everyone know upfront that I have it, so they are pretty understanding (well, as understanding as people who don’t deal with it can be). Depression comes and goes. There is not usually a whole day or span of days where I am feeling down in the dumps, as I’ve learned ways to navigate it and climb out of the black hole at the first sign of trouble. Also, I am very good at compartmentalizing and always have been. However, I do find that I am having to beat it back a bit more than usual these days. I might be feeling totally fine on a Saturday and wake up Sunday feeling down in the dumps. Or, I might wake up on a work day feeling down, shove the feelings into a corner of my brain, do my job all day, and then find myself wanting to just go to bed when I get home. Normally, I find that reading a good book, writing down what I am grateful for, or getting outside for a walk help me to find my way back to the light. I am not really sure if the stress of this year is causing this or if my brain is just acclimating to the meds and I need to up my dose. I am seeing my therapist about every couple of months now, as I have the coping strategies to deal with things on my own. I just meet with her to make sure I am still moving in the overall right direction.
Life seems to be moving fast and slow at the same time. It often feels like Groundhog Day, yet there are times when I just want to step off the hamster wheel for a bit. When I do, you will normally find me sleeping. LOL! That is my escape hatch and always has been. My job is all consuming this year. I do not have a spare second to myself except when I run to the restroom during the day (with run being the operative word). I am on the go from the second I get there at 6am until I leave there between 5 and 6pm most days. There are plans to be made, interventions to be given, papers to correct, kids to teach, parents to appease, and meetings (oh so many meetings) to attend. The days fly by, but I often feel like I got nothing done or made little progress in the ever-growing pile that is on my plate. It is frustrating. I just have not had time to sit and process my thoughts- hence no entries since last May.
Finally, I feel like I lost my purpose for this blog. I started it to help me process my thoughts. I decided to share it to maybe help others in the same boat. Over time, it came to feel like something I needed to do for others. I didn’t want to come across as whining, but straight forward. I wanted to be upbeat and a cheerleader for others- but that is really not always what I need…and I am finally learning that that is ok. This is MY blog. I can use it however I would like. People don’t need to read it. They don’t need to respond. They just can just scroll on by. If it helps people, I am super happy!! If it doesn’t, it has at least helped me to process all the things swinging around in my own head- and it’s like a jungle up there most of the time. LOL!
With all that being said, I am in dire need of some processing. Our church is doing a sermon series about things we need to quit. Last week was about quitting the need for control and this week was about quitting complaining. Both of which I am guilty of. Both of which have really had me processing some tough thoughts. I am a perfectionist, a control freak, and- when I get into my downstairs brain for too long- a complainer. I try to control things because without some semblance of control, anxiety wins out. When things spiral out of my control (as something did at work this week), I go into my downstairs brain and can only see the negative…and that is a hard place to get out of. I panic because I just see no way out of a stressful situation. My head knows that I cannot control what other people do or think….but my anxiety makes me want to try- and that does not always end well. I get frustrated. I get angry. I feel disrespected. I feel unseen. I feel unwanted. I feel like I will never be good enough. I complain to whoever will listen. I have been working really, really hard for a few months now on trusting God more and just letting things go…but it really IS hard to teach an old dog new tricks, as it turns out. I do trust Him with big things, but I have a harder time trusting that He is in the nitty-gritty with me in my day to day stuff. I know He is, but I have to keep reminding myself of that…and sometimes I forget to. Moving into this new week, I am going to try to stop and think the following thoughts before immediately reacting and jumping to the worst case scenario: He is holding me right now. I can do hard things. What should I do/How should I react to this issue in a more godly way, knowing He is with me? That will hopefully help to lesson my anxiety and keep me out of the negative space. And also keep my foot out of my mouth. 🤦♀️
I continue to work on wanting to please people. I know this is biblically wrong, wrong, wrong…but it goes back to anxiety and wanting people to like me. I am constantly trying to please people at work so they can see my worth (parents of students, colleagues, students, admin…you name it), as well as people outside of work. What I need to refocus on is living as close to how Jesus lived as possible and working to only please Him. That means loving my neighbors/colleagues/parents of students/acquaintances- even if they sometimes make me want to pull my hair out. It means speaking in kind words- even if I am thinking unkind thoughts. It means not judging others, no matter how different their thoughts are from my own. Just like no one has ever walked in my shoes, I have never walked in anyone else’s, so I don’t know where they are coming from. It means letting go of unkind things people have said to/about me and extending grace, instead. It means realizing that not everyone is going to be in your tribe- and that is ok. Not everyone is your people.
If you don’t battle with anxiety and depression, you really don’t know what it is like. I have tried to bring understanding through this blog, but it is hard for people to grasp that this is not whining or a choice we are making. It is an imbalance of chemicals in our brain (specifically serotonin) that we need help balancing out. Without the balance of the feel-good chemical, life seems pretty hairy and dreary- regardless of how blessed you really are. Medication helps to balance the chemicals for the most part- but there is constant work to be done, strategies to be applied, and therapy to be had in order to keep everything completely balanced so that you can live a happy, productive life. Sometimes, the balance is easier to obtain than others, and it can be exhausting.
Soooo….I need to stop trying to please everyone and start doing what I feel is right, regardless of the situation. I need to let go of things that are beyond my control and just trust that they will all work out for the good. I need to look at everyone with compassion, knowing that everyone has things on their plates that are hard, time-consuming, and just plain awful. I need to remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for- and thank God for those things. I need to know that God is in every situation. I also need to give myself grace because anxiety and depression are tough adversaries- and I am doing the best that I can…and so are you.
*Some helpful thoughts for those who know someone dealing with an anxiety disorder:
