I did not grow up in the church. For various reasons, my family just didn’t go. It is not that we didn’t have faith; we just didn’t talk about or celebrate it. I would occasionally tag along with a friend or go with my grandmother, but nothing consistent. It didn’t really bother me much growing up, but as I entered adulthood, I found myself drawn into the church. There were many reasons for this, but those are not important right now. What is important is that I started going regularly a little over 20 years ago. It has not been a smooth ride, but it is one that I felt was important for our kids and for myself. Now? I’m not so sure.
The first time my faith was shaken was when our oldest was in high school and came out as gay to us. Mark and I were both raised to be kind and accepting to everyone- and we passed that onto our children- so we were ill equipped for the judgement that would be thrown our way. Imagine our horror as we sat in church one Sunday morning shortly thereafter with our oldest two (while our youngest was in Sunday school) and heard a sermon about how all homosexuals are going to hell. I still remember feeling like I had been hit in the chest with a hammer- and my oldest looked like she had seen a ghost. God is our Father- how could He say that to his children? Turns out, He didn’t; that was the pastor’s interpretation. Needless to say, that was the last time she set foot in a church without being bribed by me- even though she had been actively involved in church for the past few years. That was also the last time any of us attended that church. Strike one.
Fast forward about 5 years. Mark had had it with the cold, snow, and ice, so we moved below the Mason/Dixon Line to North Carolina. We found a church we loved, with people who (we thought) accepted our family for who we were. We did not try to hide anything from anyone. Occasionally, I managed to convince my oldest to join us at church (like on Christmas and Easter), but she was never comfortable. When a certain person became president, things started to get dicey for the LGBTQ community. Our oldest was suddenly nervous that her right to marry was going to be taken away from her, so she and her girlfriend decided to have a small wedding. Our pastor could not marry them, per Methodist doctrine. Hmmm…. Strike Two.
Sometimes, I find myself checking the calendar to make sure that it is, in fact, 2022 and not, say, 1952. Every time I look at my news feed, I hear about the need to stop immigration because they are dirty, immoral people. I hear about the “Red Wall” fighting for our country. I hear about Rowe vs. Wade, book burnings, and the fight to keep racial reconciliation out of public places. I read about how LGBTQ rights are infringing on the rights of Christians. On FB, I read (from someone I love deeply) that this country was founded on Christian principles and should remain a country of Christianity- even though we now have so many other religions and beliefs to represent. I could go on. What I hear is this: White, straight, Christian people (especially men) are the “norm” and their doctrine should be the one pushed on everyone, regardless of background, need, or beliefs. If you do not fall within those demographics, you are lesser than. Your beliefs and rights do not matter. Christianity is the RIGHT way; all others are wrong. As a white, straight, Christian person, you would think I would be ecstatic, right? I’m not. Strike Three.
My faith in God and Jesus is STRONG. I talk to Him all…the…time. I ask Him to help me to understand these times and the hearts of those leading us. I ask Him to help me to live the life he designed me for. I ask Him help me love my neighbors- all of my neighbors. I ask Him to help me live according to His teachings. I believe in and trust God. My faith and trust in the church, run by humans, is hanging tenuously by a thread.
People are using their interpretations of various verses, books, chapters in the bible to justify their push for laws that stigmatize and marginalize people based on sex, religion, nationality, sexuality, and beliefs. They have to categorize people so they can separate themselves (and their sins) from those other people (and their sins). I actually had a conversation this summer with someone who referred to homosexuals as “those people.” 😳 I look at how Jesus lived and wonder how all these people, groups, and churches justify this behavior. The vocal ones will tell you they know because the Bible says so. Well, here’s the thing about that. Depending on which lens of Christianity you are looking through, we are saved through Jesus’ resurrection OR we are saved by following the Ten Commandments…or a combination of both. Again, it depends on who you ask. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John all tell the same story of Jesus, but key parts of each of the stories are different. How do you reconcile that? Some people interpret that one way and others interpret it another way. How do you know which is the right way? Is there a right way? I am no longer clear on that. I’ve been reading lots of books from theologians (as has Mark) and they leave me more confused than ever.
Here is where I am at. God commands us to love Him with all of our hearts, minds, bodies, and spirits and to love our neighbors. Those are the top 2 things He tells us to do. I don’t feel like the Church is living up to that. Others will say differently. I am not arguing because I don’t know. I know that I am trying to live by those two things, along with the 10 commandments He set forth (with more success some days than others). I am trying to live like Jesus- loving and accepting my fellow human (again, I am a work in progress). We are all on this ride together. I have friends who are atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, Southern Baptists, Methodists, Jewish, and everything in between. My friends are gay, straight, trans, black, white, hispanic. And you know what? It matters not to me. As long as they are good people, I want them in my life. I don’t care if they bow down to an alien from Mars as their deity. As long as they are good, loving people, they are my people. Do you know why? Because it is not my job to decide whose religion is “THE” religion. It is not my job to decide which sex is superior or which groups should be marginalized. It is my job to point people to the gospel- but not MY interpretation of it; I believe that’s between God and His children. We are all doing our best to live this life in the most positive, affirming way possible with what we know. Why do we need to make it harder for anyone?
I am writing this because I am currently in a faith funk. I am trying to navigate my way through this. We need to find a new church, now that we’ve moved to a new town (ok, a year ago), but I am scared and more than a little leery. I am not shopping for a church that fits my beliefs. I am trying to find an inclusive church that meets EVERYONE with a smile, a handshake, and an understanding that we are all sinners in need of His grace and mercy. I want to find a church where people don’t hide behind their faith, pretending to live a life like Jesus, while pushing for the persecution of and gossiping about others. I don’t want to be at a church that believes one sinner is less than another. I want to find a church where I can feel comfortable introducing people to my whole family. I want to feel loved and accepted for who I am and who my family is- without having to worry about the church turning its back on us.
I am NOT writing this to judge others. I am just sharing where I am and hoping that it helps others to feel that they are not alone in their thinking. To be honest, I don’t know what is right and what is not. I don’t know what God wants me to do- or not do- for sure. I am not sure if I trust that the Bible is really God’s word…or if it is the interpretation of God’s words. I am not sure if I will go to Heaven or Hell when I die- or, as the book of Revelations tells us, God will bring Heaven to earth…and I’m in limbo land in the meantime. I am sure that I am doing the best I can with what I know. I am sure that I am talking with God- a lot- every day and trying to follow His direction. I am sure that I am trying to live as Jesus did (though I have a LONG way to go). I am sure that I have a moral compass that I feel inclined to follow, even if it turns people away from me. Faith is having a belief in what you cannot see. None of us know for certain what to expect when we die. We BELIEVE we know, but do we really? God did not sit down and write the Bible. People did. Bible scholars will tell you that. So, we have to have faith that what is in there is true. We have to discern what the meaning is. But to discern is to use our human lens…and that is where I am struggling with the church.
So, there you have it. My current thoughts. I am reading some books by Rachel Held Evans right now- and it is as though she read my mind. It is so validating. If, like me, you are struggling in this current climate, you might pick up a book or two of hers. She was raised in an evangelical church, went to a bible college, and still struggled with her faith as an adult- for the very reasons I am struggling now. Sadly (or maybe not- depending on how you look at things), she died suddenly in 2019 at the age of 37. I would love to read her blog about these most current times! Here is what I know: God is good and He weaves everything together for good. Some day, we will see how it all goes together. Right now, we have to trust Him and do what we believe He is leading us to do. I feel a nudge to put this out there because I want to draw people closer to our loving God and some are feeling pushed away. No judgement; only love because do any of us really know what we’re doing?!? 🤪
