This has been a rough month, and I am pretty sure I’m losing my ever-loving mind. I apologize, in advance, if this is all over the place; I really need to just get all the thoughts that are swirling around in my head under control- and the way I do that is through writing. So, buckle up because here goes…
Things I’ve Learned On My Journey This Past Month
Lesson 1: Even if you are feeling fantastic, leaving you and your therapist with nothing to talk about, you still need to go…regularly.
I decided back in February that life was going swimmingly (and it was), so there was no need to visit my therapist. It freed up time in my calendar (yay!) and left a space on her couch for someone who needed it more (that was my rationale, at least). As it turns out, that was a bad idea! Life has thrown some curve balls and I’ve been hit in the head one too many times. I finally called a couple of weeks ago to schedule an appointment, and she told me she was getting ready to have surgery and would be out for six weeks. She gave me the name of a colleague, but I’m not really digging the idea of spilling my guts to yet another perfect stranger…so I am trying to handle this all on my own (that’s going so well, as you can see). Because the therapist is not available, I’ve been keeping everything in. My husband can only stand to hear about my woes so often before his head explodes, and my friends don’t need to be with someone who is all negative all the time….which leaves me having internal conversations between myself and mean girl (see below). As you can imagine, that has not been going so well. I’ll be the first person on my therapist’s schedule when she gets back!
Lesson 2: Stop listening to the mean girl in your head and start listening to those around you.
I have done some things that have caused my self-esteem to once more hit the basement level. The first thing I did was stop seeing the therapist- see above. The next thing was to start comparing myself to everyone again. I know this is wrong and sends me wanting to hide from the world, but it happened- and it is hard to take myself out of that particular tailspin on my own. I have gained weight since tearing the ligament in my ankle in February/March- and the more I gain, the worse I feel, and the more I eat and stay in my house. It’s a vicious cycle, really. I also got a $19 hair cut recently, which, if you are a woman, is a HUGE no-no. Seriously, I think my son could have done a better job with the weed whacker. Anyway, roll all of this stuff together, and the mean girl gets the penthouse in my brain. She is shouting things all day, every day- and I am listening. Which, in turn, makes me want to stay home. I admire those people who don’t give a flip about what others think about them; I SO want to be one of those people- I just can’t seem to get there.
Lesson 3: The second you are cleared to work out again, do it because the longer you wait, the harder it will be.
I used to get up every morning at 4:15 four days a week to exercise. I would then run with my husband on the weekend. I did this because I am toast by the afternoon and want to get it out of the way. When I hurt my ankle, I got out of that routine and got fat. That made me less motivated to work-out. I am holding out until summer vacation (a week from Wednesday) to start back up. I feel like garbage mentally and physically- and I know working out will help. It is just a matter of climbing back up on that horse- and I figure the easiest way to do that is to start at, oh, 8 in the morning when I eventually meander out of bed (rather than 4:15).
Lesson 4: There is no thing as a budget haircut.
See above…enough said.
Lesson 5: Even when you don’t feel like it, reach out and interact with those around you because keeping to yourself will only make things that much worse!
I don’t feel like doing anything with anyone. I just want to be left alone. I want to go to work with my happy face on, do my job, love on my students, and come home. Then, I want to crawl onto the couch and read, away from all noise and people. Nothing excites me. I find the world to be a loud, unpredictable place, and I just don’t want to deal right now. That is only making things worse, of course. My brain has returned to being a scary place, and being by myself gives me too much time to think about that. So, I am making the effort to play games at night, go golfing, and talk with friends. I am trying to reach out, even though it is not what I want to do currently.
Speaking of reading, I read a book this weekend called Come Matter Here by Hannah Brencher- and it was like she was inside my brain! It was very comforting to read her story, as it mostly mirrors my own (except for the young twenty-something part)! It talks about her struggle with anxiety and depression- and how she is trying to grow stronger in her faith. I felt like I was talking with my best friend. She gets it! She gets me! I am taking some pages out of her book to try to right this ship that is quickly taking on water. If you know of someone who suffers from these things, I would really suggest reading it!
Where that does that currently leave me? A mess…that’s where it leaves me. First of all, I practically was in the fetal position this weekend at the thought of going to a catered birthday party- and I had to fight back the tears when I first walked into the house- then I found my peeps and was fine. I had to do some deep breathing and take my back-up pills to stem a panic attack this morning. I have been keeping to myself at work and putting on the happy face because I don’t want to EVER use these diagnoses as an excuse, make people uncomfortable, or drive people away with my constant worries, thoughts, fears. After all, everyone has their own stuff to deal with. However, I put out an email to my team today to just let them know that things are not going swimmingly, so if I am not myself, it is me and not them. I got lots of kind words back- and you know what I thought? Oh my gosh, people are going to think I’m fishing for compliments. Nope- I just sometimes don’t have the energy to put on the smiley face and pretend all is well, and I needed them to know that. I am also eating like a crazed person- and then feeling guilty. I do it on the sly so that no one knows, which I am sure is a sign of some bigger issue. Like I said, it is leaving me a complete mess.
On top of all this other stuff, I feel guilty for feeling this way. When I first was diagnosed, I thought to myself that I will just do what I need to do to get better- and I did . However, this is something that I’ll likely be dealing with for the rest of my life. It is not my fault, and I am not wallowing in it; I’m dealing the best I can. It is a chemical imbalance- and my hormones, I think, are getting in on the party and wreaking more havoc. I keep telling myself that I am blessed beyond compare and always have been, so WTH?!? However, it’s a hilly ride. I’m currently in one of those valleys where I have to take care of me and do what I can to ride out- and I will ride it out. I often think back to how I used to be, how I used to think. I don’t know what flipped the switch, but I miss those days. I am sure my friends and family do, too. Please know that I am trying- I really, really am. I just ask that you be patient in the meantime. Please know that if I don’t call, it has nothing to do with you. If I seem grumpy, it’s me and not you. I’m trying to remain happy and upbeat- and I am usually successful, but I am struggling right now. Please understand that. Please be kind to everyone because you never know what people are struggling with underneath the surface- and if you are suffering, please talk to someone! It does help. Maybe get a revolving door of someones so that you don’t wear out your welcome. 🙂 Thanks for letting me vent.