I would like to start by saying that I have no idea how this happened. My childhood was fabulous. My family has always been supportive. I could not ask for a better husband, and my children make me prouder every day. I am fairly successful in my job, and my life has had no serious traumas. I’d even go so far as to say that I’ve always been beyond blessed in every area of my life. I don’t appear to have mental illness running through either vein of the family tree, either. I am, I suppose, the perfect example of “it can happen to anybody.”
What is “it,” exactly? My recent diagnosis of anxiety and depression. It’s official; I have a mental illness…or two. I wanted to ask the doctor if that was all one diagnosis or if it was two separate ones, but that seemed to be splitting hairs- and I didn’t want her to think I was crazy. Ha!
I’ve spent the past month and a half researching anxiety and depression; it’s what I do when I get anxious about something. I’ve read lots of blogs. I’ve talked to lots of people- and I’ve seen a therapist regularly. The therapist even has a white couch I sit on (very stereotypical, I know…and I refuse to EVER actually lie down on it). I’ve been trying to come to terms with all this. There is such a stigma around mental illness; not a tag someone struggling with self-esteem issues needs hanging around their neck- that’s for sure! Nothing really changed with the diagnosis, however; I am still the same person, more or less. I did get some medication to help me be a happier person- and probably much easier to live and work with ( a win, win for all involved, right?) while I sort things out. Other than that, I’m still me- a middle-aged (yikes!) mother of 3, wife of 1, friend to some, and teacher to many.
Why am I blogging about this? I’m essentially shouting it from the rooftops. It would seem like the last thing a person who struggles with what others think of her would do, right? There are actually many reasons- most altruistic, but some purely selfish. The biggest reason is that I love to help others; I make it my mission every day to make other people feel happy and successful (which, as it turns out, is not such a great thing for one’s psyche , according to my therapist…but I’ll save that for another blog). I have taken great comfort in reading others’ blogs and knowing that I’m not alone. I also now know that more people than one would think share many of my same feelings; maybe by sharing some insights I learn on this journey back to balance, I can help others who might not have the same resources available that I do. Additionally, people have told me that they think my Facebook posts are funny, so maybe I can approach this heavy subject with some humor and help someone smile. That’s my biggest hope- to help others through this in some small, minute way. Maybe I am being totally narcissistic and no one will care one flip about my journey or be helped by it. I surely hope that is not the case, but who knows?
My other two reasons are definitely more on the selfish side. First, writing helps me to sort things out-and make light of a situation that otherwise might send me directly into the fetal position. Second, I guess I want to introduce people to the real me. I will explain this more in posts to come- but suffice it to say that people have told me that I seem to be the picture of confidence, when my confidence level is probably running near to empty on a fairly regular basis. How can I feel one way and come across in a totally different way? Maybe it’s the resting bitch face that I’ve been told I have. Did you all know that that is actually a real thing?!? A psychology major once told me that! Call me crazy (not really), but that doesn’t seem like such a good thing to be tossing around in psychology circles. Anyway, I digress…
As I start on this journey to find my balance (insecurity, be damned), I invite you all to ride along. I hope I don’t scare anyone off; I am still me- my doctor has just given a name to what I’ve always jokingly referred to as my type A, anal, perfectionist, overly-cautious, and/or neurotic personality. So, feel free to comment, share, or ignore. I just ask that you be nice. This world could certainly use more nice in it. Stay tuned for how I knew I needed some help…