This year has gotten off to a shaky start, to say the least. Just in the past eight days, my husband ruptured a disk in his back, I woke up to find that I had dislocated my jaw in my sleep, and our dog needed stitches. I kid you not, it’s been a week.
The month of January has not been much better, so I’m glad to flip the calendar to February! Let me give you the abbreviated version. First of all, our son hates school. This is not because it’s hard (he gets straight A’s with very little effort); it’s because it’s filled with people, which he is not a fan of. On top of that, finals were a week after break. Needless to say, he spent the first two weeks of 2020 in a funk. At my school, we jumped right into mid year testing, which has taken most of the month. I abhor testing. I know where my kids are in relation to where they need to be. Giving them test after test after test only stresses us all out. So, I’ve been in a funk. My husband has been dealing with back pain for over a month, so he’s been in a funk. Our house has had a black cloud over it.
For reasons I can never explain, depression decided to rear it’s ugly head during all this. That is different than a funk. A funk is feeling like you’re dealing with so many things that your head might explode. Depression is feeling like not dealing with anything because you just don’t have it in you to care. It’s not that you don’t want to care. You just can’t because you are trying to deal with a complete sense of worthlessness and exhaustion. I can pretend well. My therapist says it’s uncanny. I say it’s lots of practice.
In amidst the month from hell, my facade crumbled one day. Someone I thought had my back ALL THE TIME told me that I piss them off with my moodiness. Let’s pause for a moment here and insert a lesson. One should never, under any circumstance, tell a person that their emotions piss you off; it just won’t end well for anyone. No one asks to feel a certain way- or tries to remain unhappy. You most definitely should not do that with someone that you KNOW suffers from a mental illness (or 2) that they cannot always control- regardless of how hard they try. I worry, constantly, about disappointing people -God, my parents, my husband, my kids, my brother, my students, my church, my bosses, my friends, my colleagues. My dogs, for crying out loud. I stuff my emotions down, slap a smile on my face, and do the best I can with what I have been gifted. This one time, I couldn’t, so I shared- and I was told I piss them off. I know they were angry. I know we sometimes say things in anger that we wouldn’t otherwise say. I know this…but I also think that if you said it, you must think it…regularly. I ended up on the bathroom floor, crying hysterically. It’s hard when you suddenly feel like it’s you against the world- because, surely, if this person was thinking this, other people were as well. When I had no more tears, I climbed onto my couch and googled how much of my antidepressant I would need to take to OD. You see, I was exhausted from always fighting and worrying. There is not a day that goes by that I’m not worrying about my impact (or lack there of) on people. There is not a day that goes by that I’m not fighting to be genuinely happy. It just is what it is- but it’s also exhausting. I was convinced everyone would be better off in the long term if they no longer had to deal with me and my moodiness. As it turns out, I’m not given enough meds at one time to do that, in case you were wondering. Probably by design. 🤔 Anyway, I didn’t/don’t want to die; I just didn’t/don’t want to be a disappointment or burden to anyone. Thankfully, I’m not an impulsive person, so I laid there for a couple of hours, realized that was insane (pun intended- ha!), and called my therapist. To be frank, the fact that I even had that thought scared the hell out of me! I felt better after leaving her office, told my husband, and have just picked up and continued moving forward, one day at a time.
Since that monumental bump (mountain?) in the road, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to bring more peace to my heart and mind. The dislocated jaw was from grinding/clenching my teeth at night (with a night guard for that express purpose) due to stress. Clearly, I need to make some changes. I’ve been lighting my twinkle lights and candles for that hygge feeling at night, walking my dogs more to get out of the house, and trying not to spend every waking moment working or thinking about work. I’ve been pinning all kinds of craft ideas on Pinterest (now to find the time to do them). My husband and I want to downsize our house and belongings so that we have more time and money to do things we enjoy. We’ve never been “keep up with the Joneses” kind of people, so it is a much anticipated transition! My husband wants to downsize the dogs, but that ain’t happenin’! I’ve been turning to God more and more, which is likely what this latest trial was designed to do. A daily devotional, that I swear always speaks to my specific needs, is the most important way to start my day! Check out today’s below!
So much for shorter, more positive posts…sorry! I just thought it was important to share some reminders with people. No one asks for-or basks in- mental illness. Most people fight like crazy to stay ahead of it. Most people try to hide it so as not to be a burden- so if someone shares things with you, listen without judging! Check in on people, even if they seem to have it all together. Hand out love and grace to everyone like it’s the air we breath because we all need it! Don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in someone’s shoes (or head). Give out affirmations like they’re candy. Love on people and be accepting! Love is, after all, what makes the world go round! Here’s to the rest of 2020; may it be a smoother ride! ❤
