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Mental Health Awareness Month, Pride Month…How About Let’s Just Be Kind to Our Fellow Humans Month??

Where to start? There is just so much that has gone on these past few months. Life has been messy for everyone, and I think some ugly has started to come out. People are arguing over wearing/ not wearing masks, if Coronovirus is real/a ploy to control people, if police are bad/helpful, if racism does/does not exist…and the list goes on. There was a fight all the way to the Supreme Court to decide whether or not the LGBTQ community can be discriminated against in the work place. It’s enough to make one want to toss their cookies on a regular basis. Seriously, can we all just take a moment, step back, and realize that WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS MADE IN GOD’S IMAGE?!?! Where has all this hate come from? It has always festered under the surface, I suppose; people/organizations are just now showing their true colors. I want to make sure that I am not a part of the problem, so I need to sort some things out.

Let’s start with Mental Health Awareness month in May. I didn’t write during May…or April…or maybe even March because life was insane with impact of Coronavirus on every aspect of living. I was busy trying to figure out how to teach my kiddos from behind a screen, while adjusting to life on the inside (of my house, that is). With the whole mask vs no mask debacle, some people have gotten mean and nasty. One gentleman (and I use that term loosely) spit on a teenager, coughed in his face, and told him that he was an idiot for wearing a mask. I’m not going to go into that incident on this blog because that is just wrong on so many levels. However, the parent of said teenager vented on FB that the person obviously had some sort of mental illness. I don’t know that for a fact, but my gut tells me he was not suffering from a mental illness, but was just a jerk. This whole pandemic has shone an unflattering light on some people. What I would like to address, however, is how the lady just assumed he had a mental illness because he acted like a deranged toddler who didn’t get his way (yes, I am judging his actions here). It is true that mental illnesses can cause people to act in all sorts of ways that are less than desirable, but it is an illness, which means it is generally something that someone cannot control on their own. People need to stop calling people “mental” or assume that someone who acts poorly must have a mental illness. Maybe they just lack manners or empathy; maybe they are just evil. As you know, I have two mental illnesses that I fight each and every day- anxiety and depression. I choose to take my medications regularly,see my therapist, and do what I need to do to stay in my best place. My son suffers from OCD, GAD, SAD, and depression- along with a presumed eating disorder. He also takes medication, speaks with a therapist, and sees his psychiatrist regularly. You would never know that we suffer from a mental illness if you saw us in public because our battles are mostly internal. We do not lash out at others. Again, there are people who do, so I cannot know for certain that the man described above does not, in fact, have a mental illness that caused him to lash out- but please don’t just make assumptions or lump people together in the mental illness category. We shouldn’t lump people together in any category, but I will address that later. Mental illness can be caused by trauma, a chemical imbalance, and a whole host of other things. No one asks for it. Until you’ve walked a mile in someone else’s shoes (or head), you have no idea whatsoever the battles they are facing.

June is Gay Pride month. Let me tell you how my heart was broken this month- and how it is slowly being put back together. My daughter is gay. We have suspected this since she was about 5 and have known for sure since she was in high school. She is a fabulous person. She loves on her family and friends, pays her bills, holds a master’s degree, and is a police officer because she wants to serve her community. She was an athletic trainer, but decided she didn’t want to work with college kids who didn’t understand how good they had it; she felt that she wasn’t making a big enough positive impact on society, so she quit, applied to the police academy, and risks her life every day to serve and protect the people of her community. I shouldn’t have to validate her existence just because she is gay, but I do to some people. Those same people, the ones she serves and protects, don’t feel that she deserves the right to marry the love of her life. Those same people don’t feel that she she should have basic human rights like health care and a lack of discrimination in the work place. Those same people don’t feel like her soon-to-be wife should be covered under her policy or protected should she (God forbid) be killed in the line of duty. ALL BECAUSE SHE LOVES SOMEONE WHO IS THE SAME GENDER THAT SHE IS. She is looked at as sub human because of that. She has to fight for rights that should be given to her as a citizen of this country. It is wrong. Thank God (because I do believe He had a hand in the decision), the Supreme Court felt differently, at least in terms of on the job discrimination (thus the slow mending of my heart). My daughter and her fiancee are getting married on Saturday. It is kind of a rush job, so far flung family have not been notified and won’t be attending. They are rushing because they fear that they will soon lose their right to marry. I asked my pastor if he would marry them; the answer was no. He is not allowed to because the United Methodist Church forbids it. The church that we love and have felt so welcomed in will not perform our daughter’s marriage. The church that we felt loved our family- all five of us- has shown us that they may love us, but they don’t have an inclusion policy that includes my whole family in every aspect of church life. I am hurt. I am sad. I am angry. I feel like we were lied to. We are members of that church; we took an oath to support them and do our best to spread God’s word through them. Their policy has turned their back on our child- our family. My husband and I are now trying to figure out what to do. You see, we know the bible says that homosexuality is a sin. We know this and have struggled with that knowledge because we honestly believe that this is the way God made our daughter. She has never liked dresses, has always done the “boy” thing, and has never loved a boy. She dated boys in middle and high school; she tried to fit into society’s fractured idea of “normal”. However, it was not natural for her. I am not going to try to figure out why, if homosexuality is a sin, God made some people that way; He has a reason that we will all know someday. What I do know is that there are lots of other sins mentioned in the bible; here are the ten commandments for starters:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

5. Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

8. Thou shalt not steal.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour’s.

Are you telling me that the church will not marry someone who has committed adultery (and I am pretty sure divorce and remarriage is considered adultery in biblical terms)? They will not marry someone who has stolen something before? How about someone who gossiped or lied about someone else? Hmmmm…..I am pretty sure those people can get married in the church. Why, then, can homosexuals not be married in the church? Do some sins outweigh others? In who’s eyes? Man’s? If Jesus died for EVERYONE’s sins (and He did), are we not all forgiven? I have so many questions right now about the church and where we stand in terms of going back. It saddens me to lose our church family, who I love wholeheartedly, but I cannot belong to a church that turns its back on people. Jesus turned his back on no one- and that is who I choose to follow.

I have always supported Pride Month because I really don’t care who you love, as long as you are a good, kind person who contributes to society. As the proud mama of a gay person- and a human being, I will continue to support the LGBTQ community and be outspoken about it; I will share pictures of my daughter’s upcoming wedding on FB. I will talk about their struggles and urge you to vote to give EVERYONE basic human rights. If you want to unfollow me because of that, I’ll hate to see you go, but you were never meant to be in my tribe, I guess.

Finally, can I just say that I cannot believe we are facing racism head on-still-in 2020. I had my head in the sand and didn’t really feel it was an issue. As I said above, I always try to reserve my judgement of people until I get to know them. If a person has a good heart and leads with that, that is good enough for me; that is how I was raised and how my husband was raised. We raised our children to do the same. However, I never actively stopped to think about how I might contribute to racism, through my white privilege (yup, I do believe it is totally a thing) and through my implicit bias. I have been doing a lot of reading, talking with people, and thinking about what I can do moving forward to bring equality to EVERYONE (do you see a theme in this post?).

I have so many thoughts in my head just rolling around up there with no place to settle. Why are some people so mean to others? Why do some people feel they are better than others? Why do we penalize one group of fellow humans because of their skin color, gender, sexual orientation, beliefs, jobs, etc.? Why do we even lump people together in the first place? Why can’t we all be judged individually on our actions and our hearts? Now that school is over, our move is over, and things are returning to some sort of normal, I plan to dig deep. I plan to really turn to the bible and to Jesus and try to find answers or find a path for myself moving forward in this mess. I need guidance on what to do with our church, how to support my friends of color, how to push for equal rights across the board for EVERYONE. I need to understand how I can best navigate this society that seems so willing to turn it’s back on others. I don’t want to be a part of the problem, but don’t really know how to be a part of the solution. I just hope this blog causes people to step back and think: Are you part of the problem or the solution? Are you sowing hate or peace? Are you judging others based on their ACTIONS or their skin color, gender, sexual orientation, mental health status, struggles, immigration status, job, or anything else? God placed EVERYONE here on this earth for His purpose; none of us are any better than any others. We all have a job to do, and we were all created in His image. When you look back on your life, will you be proud of your choices and actions? I am hoping to be, which is why I have really started to dig deep. I hope this blog has spoken to some of you and/or helped some of you know you are not alone in your feelings right now. I’d love to have a dialogue with anyone about the things I have mentioned. I am always open to learning. When you know better, you do better (Maya Angelou). Peace and blessings to you all.

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Breaking Away From Overworking, Overdoing, and Underliving

Like the sands through an hour glass, these are the days of our lives. My grandmother used to be a fan of One Life to Live and I have great memories of playing nearby while she watched this- and watching it with her as I got older (what a trip that was…but I digress). For some reason, this has been popping up in my head more and more these days. I will be honest, I am having NO PROBLEMS sheltering in place. I love that I can access church, my friends, and my family without even needing to put real pants on- ha! I love having more time with my husband- even eating lunch together now. I love having time to putter and do my own things. I honestly could live on a deserted island (and a desserted island- yum) with just my family and a few close friends and be perfectly content interacting with the rest of the world via technology. However, I know others are really struggling. To those who are struggling that don’t normally, this too shall pass. I hope, though, that people will really stop and think about what they would like to add back into their lives. Does everyone really want to hop back on that treadmill that we’ve been calling life? Most of us are living to work. I’m pretty sure that is not what life is supposed to be all about, and I do believe that Covid19 is giving us a chance to reset our priorities- if only we take the time to do that.

For those of you unfamiliar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, it says that our most basic needs (food, water, air, shelter) need to be met before we can look at our other needs. Some people right now are really struggling to meet those basic needs. Please remember to reach out to those in your world and check in. Ask if they need anything, offer to bring them things, talk with them, make connections. Let’s help everyone get through this trying time- even if you are like me and quite enjoying the solitude.

I’ve just finished a book called Do Nothing by Celeste Headlee. I bought it when I was on the hamster wheel I’ve been calling life, wobbling from here to there, but never really getting anywhere. I knew I needed to make some changes. I thought there had to be more to life than work. I honestly felt like I lived to work, not the other way around. That was why I had I wanted to step away from my career (more on that plot twist later). Ms. Headlee is a journalist and this book is, in my humble opinion, genious! She writes in a way that is easy to relate to, relevent to our times, and full of research (she sites 13 pages- 13- of references). So, I am going to give you some precious nuggets that I have gotten from this book.

First, though, I want to address human connection, which is hard to come by right now. Real human connection, the kind you get when you give someone your full attention, is necessary for mental health. Belonging to a group is a human need, one that might be hard for people- especially now. People who belong to groups live longer, have less stress, heal faster, have stronger immune systems, and live more meaningful lives. Reach out to your groups, but also to others who may need that connection- your neighbors, your coworkers, your aquaintances. I, for one, despise talking on the phone. Talking in person and talking on the phone cause an equal reaction in me because I don’t have time to filter my thoughts and really put my coherent self out there. My heart rate goes up and I start to sweat. Additionally, my mouth gets even more ahead of my brain than normal- and that’s when I become a bumbling idiot. It’s just one of my lovely quirks that I have come to accept- until I read this book. The author spent a lot of time talking about how texting (and social media) makes it so much easier to dehumanize people and relationships- even if you don’t mean to. They keep people at a distance and don’t allow your relationships to grow. She also sited a study where speaking to people in person builds empathy. After awhile, your brain activity starts to synch up to those you are speaking with, so that you can better relate to them. This is how deep relationships form. We can’t be with people we aren’t living with right now, but we can still talk on phones and video conference. Human connection allows us to build empathy and strengthen bonds. Repeated studies have shown that isolation leads to depression. Doctors and mental health professionals are seeing a rise in people with anxiety and depression right now because of isolation and all the worries that we are now coping with- so again, reach out and connect with others…for yourselves and for others.

There is SO MUCH I want to share from Headlee’s book, but the huge things are ways to better balance your life. Really quick, I’ve included some history if you’d like to read it. If not, scroll on by. See the box below.

Really quick, During the industrial revolution, productivity increased because machines were developed to make things go faster.  Instead of allowing people to then work less with the same level of productivity, employers suddenly discovered that they could raise productivity by having workers work the same amount of hours.  Then they realized that they were making lots of money and could make more money by having employees work even more hours- and giving them incentives to do so.  The problem is that people get less productive the more they work.  The average human brain can work for 45 minutes or so before they need start to lose productivity.  They can work about 4 or 5 hours a day before they lose all productivity.  However, you can't necessarily measure productivity of individuals, so employers measure hours.  Employees are pressured to work certain hours  and then to work even more to not look like slackers.  Peer pressure actually plays a huge part in the work place.  I am a teacher.  I am contracted to work a certain number of hours because the powers that be have deemed that the essential number of hours needed to do my job effectively.  Fair enough; that is what I signed up for and I am in agreement on those hours.  However,  I feel pressured to work more hours because I need my kids' test scores to reach a certain level.   If I don't, the measure of me as a teacher goes down.  I could even be put on an action plan- the first step to be fired.  It doesn't matter if kids come into my classroom 2 grades below grade level, if they exhibit a learning disability and can't be tested for the entire school year, if their home lives stink and their main priority is the bottom of Maslow's heirarchy.  None of that matters in how I am measured as a teacher.  So, I am pressured to work more in order to push my kids as hard as I possibly can to reach scores that may not be appropriate for them during that school year.   My colleagues are all in the same boat and feel the same pressure.  While in my case, productivity does not equal profit, per se, it does equal bragging rights.  My school and district can brag about being a B school and having 95% of students graduate, etc.  In business, productivity equals profit- but at what expense?

Balance Tip #1: Look out for your neighbors and connect with friends. We are currently so overworked that we often don’t give much thought to anyone outside of our immediate circle. Empathy is down (if you don’t believe me, get on your neighborhood or town social media page. Yikes!). There are record numbers of people on antidepressants. As a society, we are fatter, sicker, and more stressed out. Suicide rates have gone up 56% since 1999. Don’t you think it is time we stopped to ask why?? We are getting away from what makes us human. We NEED leisure time and time to really connect with people. We need it for our mental and physical health.

Balance Tip #2: Put down your phone!! Looking at any device 2-3 hours before bed messes up your circadian rythm and depletes your melatonin, resulting in trouble sleeping. Your body needs sleep to process your thoughts for the day and heal your body. Having your phone with you constantly is training your brain to nonstop be ready to respond to an emergency- whether that be an email from work, a text about something unimportant, or waiting for a “like” on your social media post. Your muscles actually relax and contract constantly when your phone goes off- no wonder you are exhausted every day!

Balance Tip #3: Put a limit on your time spent on social media. According to Headlee’s research, the human brain can handle 150 relationships- and yet people are yearning for more “friends” and “followers” on social media. Those are not true friendships. This is very dangerous for a number of reasons. Social media causes people to unknowingly have feelings of inferiority, envy, anxiety, and depression. It causes you to make comparisons, whether you know it or not. These comparisons go back to our need to be part of a group. We don’t want to be left out, so we want to watch and do what we can to fit in. I’m here to tell you that you need to just find your tribe and be yourself. God made you to be your own glorious self- not someone else. Embrace it! Many of us (myself included) are addicted to our technology, and it is driven by FOMO- fear of missing out. As I just said, we feel like we need to make sure we are on top of things because we don’t want to be left out- and cast out of our “group.” If you need to change who you are and who you were made to be in order to be accepted by people, those aren’t your people. Use your normal social media time to do other things that you enjoy; you’ll be surprised at how much leisure time you have for hobbies when you kick social media to the curb.

Balance Tip #4: Look carefully at your work schedule; are there things you can tweak and still maintain the same level of productivity? According to Headlee, multi-tasking is a farce. Your brain is not meant to multitask unless it is with mindless things (folding laundry while talking on the phone, for example). Every time you switch from one thing to another, your brain takes a bit to readjust to the next task. Can you focus on one task for an hour, take a break, and go back to that task until it is done before moving on? Can you make a schedule of what you will do each day (including responding to email) and stick to it? You will likely find that you finished all your tasks for the day with time to spare. Instead of working on more, go do something fun! Let go of perfectionism. Fun fact: Perfectionism apparently became a thing about 40 years ago. Those kids who were expected to go out and conquer the world (or excel in everything) are now parents who are pushing those same messages onto their kids. We are pushing them in sports, in academics, into top colleges, into careers that are “important.” Well, if Covid19 has taught us anything, it has taught us that some important careers (truck drivers, grocery workers, janitors) don’t require a college degree. If your child doesn’t get into a top college or isn’t the captain of the soccer team, or doesn’t graduate in the top 10, it really isn’t all that important. Let me tell you, I have only recently given up my piloting licence for helicopters. I did not want my kids to make mistakes, to look bad, to not get onto the team, to not go to college, etc. That is society’s expectation-and it is wrong. In the meantime, I damaged my kids in some ways. None of them are really confident in their abilities (because I never gave them the chance to fail and pick themselves up by their bootstraps) and my oldest followed a path that did nothing but put her in debt because her real passion all along was law enforcement. My middle daughter has low self- esteem and anxiety, which impacts her ability to make connections. My youngest suffers mightily from anxiety, depression, and OCD. If I can pass any message along to young parents, it is to stand back and keep your kids safe, while letting them try things and fail. Let them find their passion and follow it. Embrace the person they will become- because I can tell you from experience, they turn into pretty amazing human beings…sometimes in spite of what you did or did not do. Aside from kids, release your need for perfectionism. Who cares if your colleague wants to work 60 hours a week? If you did what you were supposed to do in 40, go celebrate that with some fun time. Happiness is important- studies have proven that. On your death bed, you will not be rewarded for how much money you made, what titles you held, or the number of hours you worked. You will be rewarded for how you lived your life- how you loved on your friends and family, how you treated those around you, how you helped society, and how you fulfilled your purpose. Those are the important things- and those are the things that our society needs to get back to.

Because of Covid19, I will be going back to teaching for at least another year. I do not want to end my career like this, teaching from behind a screen and not being able to love on my kids. I want to finish my career on my terms. Also, my husband’s office cut a bunch of positions and cut pay for those who are left. While we are beyond grateful he still has his position, the pay cut isn’t particularly helpful right now. I am going to use this year to bring more balance to my life and enjoy it more. I hope these tips can help some of you do the same. I am including a link to the book I’ve been referencing because it just is so amazing! I couldn’t wait to share it with you guys! It makes you really look at our society for all the wonderful things it offers and all its faults- and strive to make things better. Peace and love to you all; this too shall pass, and I think we will all be better for it!

Here is the link:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TX4NWZ2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

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These Are Scary Times- And I’m Surprisingly Not an Anxious Wreck!

As this pandemic has unfolded, I thought for sure I would be a complete wreck- curled in the fetal position, unwilling to leave my house. While I don’t leave my house for more than a walk with my dogs, I am feeling ok. Am I worried? You bet. I have a husband who has been battling some mysterious lung issue since October, a son who has landed in the ER on more than one occasion with an asthma attack, and parents and a mother-in-law who fit the high risk profile. I have numerous people I know and care about battling cancer. I am scared of it reaching my loved ones and the medical community being too overwhelmed to help them. If I continue down that worry road, though, my mind goes to some pretty dark places pretty quickly- so I just try not to. All I can control is where my family and I go, how we practice basic hygiene, and what goes on in our own household. I have to let the other stuff go or it could get ugly fast.

I just wanted to hop on here to offer some tips- things that are helping me keep anxiety and depression at bay when they are certainly trying to beat down the door. First of all, I check the news only twice a day- once in the morning and once at night. I take about 15-20 minutes to scan headlines, read some articles, and get an idea of where we are as a world, a nation, and a community- and then I let it go. I can’t change it; I can only do my small part, which I am doing. I scroll through FB still, more than I would like to admit, but I have made it a point to join some uplifting groups, so my newsfeed is filled with beautiful pictures, positive posts, and people who lift my spirits. I have been doing a lot of reading and napping…because one leads naturally to the other- or is that just me? Finally, I am really trying to stay close to God. I am praying, reading scripture, and reflecting each day. I feel confident that He is in control, which also helps my anxiety considerably. Good will come of this, though it may not be readily apparent. I am in no way downplaying what is happening around the world and in people’s lives. It is scary and awful and confusing and sad. It is all those things and will get worse before it gets better. However, we can find some positives.

Here are some of the positives that I have seen:

  1. People are coming together (metaphorically speaking) to help out their neighbors with information, food, toilet paper, lawn mowing, words of encouragement, and what have you.
  2. We are being forced to slow down and appreciate the many blessings all around us. As in introvert, I’ve been preparing to be socially isolated my whole life- but now I actually have to do it, so there’s no guilt! I am enjoying time with my husband that we don’t normally have (lunches together as we work from home, watching movies, taking walks). I am enjoying my walks and noticing the beauty all around me. I am connecting more with the people I love and care about.
  3. The world is seeing who the real “essential” people are- and it’s not professional athletes, movies stars, and the Kardashians (good grief!). It’s the health care workers working endless hours and risking their lives to save ours. It’s the teachers working tirelessly to stay connected to their kids and figuring out how to best teach them moving forward. It’s the retail workers who are putting their health at risk so that stores can stay open to provide food and other necessities. It’s the local lawmakers who are working around the clock to keep us all updated as things change. It’s the bank tellers who are exposing themselves so that you can continue to pay your bills and have access to your money. It’s the law enforcement people and the armed forces who are on the front lines keeping us safe- and will continue to do so as the pandemic worsens. There are so many more that we are just now really appreciating.
  4. It is quieter when you are out and about. Our walks are much more peaceful, our drives are less congested, and life is just going at a beautiful pace right now. My husband and I drove around yesterday in the hinterlands for a couple of hours, just appreciating the beauty all around us (and looking for land)- instead of the 4 walls we’ve been looking at all week.
  5. We are all appreciating what is really important- family, friends, good health, a roof over our heads, jobs that continue to pay us for now, food, our pets, good books, funny shows…you get the idea. We went from barely noticing these things as we went from one thing to another from the time we woke up until the time our heads hit the pillows again at night to having all kinds of time to notice the plethora of blessings that surround us daily.

I know this is a very scary time, but don’t let it drag you down into a frantic state of worry and panic. Don’t stick your head in the sand, either, though. Check into the news once or twice and then let it go. Reach out to others to talk and laugh. Look around you and appreciate all the beauty that you’ve been blessed with. Control what you can control and let the rest go. You can’t change it, so why worry about it (all those therapy sessions are really paying off- ha!)? Take this time to do some things around your house that you’ve been meaning to do. Play games with your family. Enjoy some fresh air in your backyards. Most importantly, I would strongly encourage you to connect with God. Share with Him your worries and concerns- and listen for his answer. Dig into scripture. Follow some people on FB (Rick Warren and Lysa Terkeurst are two of my favorites) who give you daily encouragement from His word. We will come out on the other side- hopefully with a renewed appreciation for the important things in life!

Your turn: How are you finding peace in all this? Share with others by commenting (click the heading to do so)!!

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Change is Scary…but the Status Quo is Scarier

This year has been off to a very rough start.  Though, to be honest, it has just been a continuation of the stuff I have been dealing with for quite some time.  I have been constantly stressed out and that is seriously affecting my mental health.  In fact, I am waiting to get into the doctor to have her up my antidepressant.  Over the past couple of months, I have noticed physical effects, as well.  My hair is falling out, my palms are constantly itching and peeling, the PVC’s in my heart are more frequent, my jaw dislocated due to grinding/clenching my teeth, and I cannot sleep without some sleep aids.  Additionally, my weight yo-yo’s more than the weather in NC this winter.  I have been constantly on edge and constantly feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I know it is time to make some changes to bring a little more joy back to my life.  Are you feeling the same way??

My husband and I have decided to downsize.  We want a smaller house, less stuff, and more time to do the things that we enjoy.  To that end, we are trying to find the perfect piece of land on which to build our cozy cottage, while getting our current house ready to put on the market.  We will be having a yard sale this spring in an effort to get rid of all our STUFF.  I’m excited to start paring things down!  I want a more simple life.  More time with the ones we love and care about, more time outside, more time on hobbies we enjoy- and less time on stuff that brings us stress and strips us of contentment.  If you are feeling the mental and physical effects of stress and anxiety, can you downsize some part of your life?

The other change I am making is with my career.  After 20 years in the classroom, I am “retiring” from teaching at the end of this school year.  This has been my biggest source of stress and something I have thought about over the last year or so.  I am a perfectionist and a rule follower when it comes to my job.  I am constantly reflecting on what I can do better and how I can better meet my kids’ needs.  When admin tells us to do something, I try to do it.  However, over the past couple of years- and especially this year, there is less time for that reflection and more that admin wants us to incorporate.  In addition, kids are being turned into data points.  How can we engage this child to help them raise their score?  This child is not growing according to this assessment; what can we do to make them grow?  I always think of this cartoon when we start talking about kids as data points.

It is so true!  Some children just take longer than others to learn- and they learn and demonstrate their learning in different ways.  It stresses me out to assess kids day in and day out in order to have data points to validate what I am doing.    In hindsight, I should have made this move at the end of last year so that I could finish my career at a pinnacle.  I was my school’s Teacher of the Year and made it into the top ten for my whole district of 2,300 teachers.  I knew I was being moved to third, which is the most tested grade in all of elementary school- but I couldn’t quite pull the trigger, which is unfortunate.  Now, I am in a valley.  Generally, I have to fight off a panic attack  every Sunday night- and even once during the week this past week.  I was told by admin that I have been too negative in planning (which is true, I will admit); I didn’t ever want to be THAT person- but it has just gotten to be too much.  I am working 50-60 hours a week and barely keeping my head above water. I eat, sleep, and breathe work.  It is time for a change.  Since handing in my resignation, I have felt sadness and anxiety (change is hard)- but also some relief.  I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I am going to miss my school, my colleagues, my admin, and, most of all, the kids- but I have to do what is going to allow me to live my life with more joy and less stress (and, hopefully, less medication).  Are you in a job that requires more of you than you can comfortably give?  Can you look around for other options?  Change is scary- but regret is scarier.

I have been doing a lot of praying.  I feel like God was telling me to make the change, that He has something in store for me that will help me to make an impact in a different way.  The more I tried to reason myself out of resigning, the more I felt weighed down by staying.  I think this was God- so I took the leap of faith and handed in the resignation.  I am now praying about next steps.  Where do you want me, God?  Where can I make a difference?  Point me in the right direction and give me the resources to follow through.  He’s got me; I know I am going to be ok.  He has you, too.

For those of you out there struggling with the weight of the world, look at where you can make changes- big or small.  Can you downsize so that you have less to take care of or more money to do what you want- or both?    Surround yourself with God’s word.  I’ve really struggled with trusting Him because there is just so much evil and bad in this world.  However, I’ve come to learn, by studying scripture, that God never said there would not be pain.  After all, he gave us free will, which we sometimes use in a way that causes Him and others pain. Most importantly, He said that he has plans to prosper us and give us hope in the future.    Whatever your season, you can lean into His promise.  You can also lean into your support system.  You get one shot at this life.   You need to find joy, even if it requires some changes.   Find the easiest thing to change and start there.  You’ve got this!

 

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Not a Banner Start

This year has gotten off to a shaky start, to say the least.  Just in the past eight days, my husband ruptured a disk in his back, I woke up to find that I had dislocated my jaw in my sleep, and our dog needed stitches.  I kid you not, it’s been a week.

The month of January has not been much better, so I’m glad to flip the calendar to February!  Let me give you the abbreviated version.  First of all, our son hates school.  This is not because it’s hard (he gets straight A’s with very little effort); it’s because it’s filled with people, which he is not a fan of.  On top of that, finals were a week after break.  Needless to say, he spent the first two weeks of 2020 in a funk.  At my school, we jumped right into mid year testing, which has taken most of the month.  I abhor testing.  I know where my kids are in relation to where they need to be.  Giving them test after test after test only stresses us all out.  So, I’ve been in a funk.  My husband has been dealing with back pain for over a month, so he’s been in a funk.  Our house has had a black cloud over it.

For reasons I can never explain, depression decided to rear it’s ugly head during all this.   That is different than a funk.  A funk is feeling like you’re dealing with so many things that your head might explode.  Depression is feeling like not dealing with anything because you just don’t have it in you to care.  It’s not that you don’t want to care.  You just can’t because you are trying to deal with a complete sense of worthlessness and exhaustion.  I can pretend well.  My therapist says it’s uncanny.  I say it’s lots of practice.

In amidst the month from hell, my facade crumbled one day.  Someone I thought had my back ALL THE TIME told me that I piss them off with my moodiness.  Let’s pause for a moment here and insert a lesson.  One should never, under any circumstance, tell a person that their emotions piss you off; it just won’t end well for anyone.  No one asks to feel a certain way- or tries to remain unhappy.  You most definitely should not do that with someone that you KNOW suffers from a mental illness (or 2) that they cannot always control- regardless of how hard they try.  I worry, constantly, about disappointing people -God, my parents, my husband, my kids, my brother,  my students, my church, my bosses, my friends, my colleagues.  My dogs, for crying out loud.  I stuff my emotions down, slap a smile on my face, and do the best I can with what I have been gifted.  This one time, I couldn’t, so I shared-  and I was told I piss them off.  I know they were angry.  I know we sometimes say things in anger that we wouldn’t otherwise say.  I know this…but I also think that if you said it, you must think it…regularly.  I ended up on the bathroom floor, crying hysterically.  It’s hard when you suddenly feel like it’s you against the world- because, surely, if this person was thinking this, other people were as well.  When I had no more tears, I climbed onto my couch and googled how much of my antidepressant I would need to take to OD.  You see, I was exhausted from always fighting and worrying.  There is not a day that goes by that I’m not worrying about my impact (or lack there of) on people.  There is not a day that goes by that I’m not fighting to be genuinely happy.  It just is what it is- but it’s also exhausting.   I was convinced everyone would be better off in the long term if they no longer had to deal with me and my moodiness.  As it turns out, I’m not given enough meds at one time to do that, in case you were wondering.  Probably by design.   🤔 Anyway, I didn’t/don’t want to die; I just didn’t/don’t want to be a disappointment or burden to anyone.  Thankfully, I’m not an impulsive person, so I laid there for a couple of hours, realized that was insane (pun intended- ha!), and called my therapist.    To be frank, the fact that I even had that thought scared the hell out of me!  I felt better after leaving her office, told my husband, and have just picked up and continued moving forward, one day at a time.

Since that monumental bump (mountain?) in the road, I’ve been trying to figure out ways to bring more peace to my heart and mind.  The dislocated jaw was from grinding/clenching my teeth at night (with a night guard for that express purpose) due to stress.  Clearly, I need to make some changes.  I’ve been lighting my twinkle lights and candles for that hygge feeling at night, walking my dogs more to get out of the house, and trying not to spend every waking moment working or thinking about work.  I’ve been pinning all kinds of craft ideas on Pinterest (now to find the time to do them).  My husband and I want to downsize our house and belongings so that we have more time and money to do things we enjoy.  We’ve never been “keep up with the Joneses” kind of people, so it is a much anticipated transition!  My husband wants to downsize the dogs, but that ain’t happenin’!  I’ve been turning to God more and more, which is likely what this latest trial was designed to do.  A daily devotional, that I swear always speaks to my specific needs, is the most important way to start my day!  Check out today’s below!

So much for shorter, more positive posts…sorry!  I just thought it was important to share some reminders with people.  No one asks for-or basks in- mental illness.  Most people fight like crazy to stay ahead of it.  Most people try to hide it so as not to be a burden- so if someone shares things with you, listen without judging!  Check in on people, even if they seem to have it all together.  Hand out love and grace to everyone like it’s the air we breath because we all need it!  Don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in someone’s shoes (or head).  Give out affirmations like they’re candy.  Love on people and be accepting!  Love is, after all, what makes the world go round!   Here’s to the rest of 2020; may it be a smoother ride!   ❤

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Making Some Changes

As I’ve been looking ahead to a new year (and a new decade), I’ve decided to make some changes to my blog and my lifestyle.  Let me start with the blog…

I think I am going to take this blog in a slightly new direction, as I want to use my experiences to help others by looking at how lifestyle changes can help and also how to pick yourself up when anxiety and depression rear their ugly heads.  I’m still going to address mental health issues, as I think it is so important to talk about them- but I want to hopefully help people address their struggles and just be happier people.  For those without any formal diagnosis, but who still struggle with anxiety (and maybe even depression at times), I am hoping this new approach will be helpful.  I also hope to blog more, but write less.  That may seem a bit  of a juxtaposition, but I think my posts are too lengthy for those who just need a positive word or idea.  I also come across some great ideas from various things I research and read, so I hope to post those more frequently with a little less verbiage.  My husband is always telling me I talk too much!  LOL!

As for my life changes, I just am going to work to find a better work/life balance, to find more time to enjoy the little things in life, to try to listen to God more, and to enjoy the many blessings that I have.  I’ve really been thinking about my New Year’s resolutions and how I can make them meaningful and impactful to me and those around me.  So here goes:

1. I will eat clean at least 90 % of the time.  I have totally GONE OFF THE RAILS this holiday season and feel like garbage.  It is not about losing weight (though that will be a nice bonus); it is about feeling good and having more energy.  By feeling good, I mean that everything doesn’t hurt in the morning, I don’t get these horrid cramps that leave me curled up on the couch, and I’m not so moody (which will be a blessing for those around me, for sure-ha!).  I currently have a clean lentil soup in the crockpot and a clean wheat bread baking in the oven.  We are getting back on the clean eating train today!  I feel better just saying that!

2.  I will leave work by 3:30pm daily and come home to work out (even if that just means a long walk with my dogs- I am not putting pressure on myself to run the next marathon or be able to do 80 push ups…or 8, as is my current situation.  If I need to do work more later, at least I can do it from the comfort of my own home.  I will be finished working by dinner time- regardless.  This is going to be tough because I am somewhat of a perfectionist when it comes to my job; I want to do the best I can possibly do for the kids in my care- and sometimes that takes over my life.  However, it also leaves me burnt out and cranky, so I think this will be best in the long run for everyone- even my students.

3.  I will journal every night so that I can really reflect on my days and set myself up for my tomorrows.  My parents got me this amazing journal for Christmas that  I plan to use!  It has categories to make you really think and blank pages just to clear your thoughts on- a perfect balance for me.

4.  I will start my day in God’s word.  I have been doing this for a few months now, and it really helps me to get my head in the right place for the day.  I am still trying to listen for and actually HEAR God; that part alludes me, but I will continue to work on building that relationship.  I will continue with my prayers and will sharing things that hit a cord with me.

5.  I will get out with my husband and with friends more.  Though I love to be home puttering around, crafting and cozying up with a good book, I find that I also really enjoy time spent out doing things with family and friends.  I will work to get a better balance.

Those are my big five resolutions.  I think those will leave me feeling replenished, fulfilled, and able to have energy left over to help others.  Please share my blog on your FB page or Instagram page or whatever page you use to communicate with friends and family if you feel it would be helpful for others.  That is now my goal for the blog- to help others (whether or not they have a mental illness); we all need a little more kindness and cozy in this world- and that will be more of the focus.  Blessings to you all as you head into this new year and decade!  May 2020 be a year filled with happiness and joy!

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Trying to Find the Balance

We are entering my favorite time of the year!  The time of coziness, family, friends,  and food.  I am determined not to let my work life overwhelm my personal life during this most wonderful time of the year.  I have no idea how, mind you, but I wait 10 months for this time of the year to roll around, and it will not be squandered!!

I have been trying to figure out how to balance my life better.  I decided to take a class through work, so that was the opposite of balancing my work/home life, but I love to learn and am pretty excited to add to my repertoire of skills.  The big question I’m trying to figure out is what will I use my newfound skills doing?  Will things in third grade calm down enough for me to get back to doing what I love, which is to teach and work with kids in a way that empowers them- and still leave me time for a life?  Will I switch next year to an AIG classroom where I can use projects and more of the kinds of teaching I love to do?  Will I decide to try out middle school ELA?   I really don’t know, but I keep telling myself that I have options.  What I would really LOVE to do is travel around the state giving talks on bullying and mental health.  I am no expert, of course, but I have some experience and can share it in a real world kind of way.  I just don’t know how to make that work.  I’ve considered going back to school for another master’s degree, this time in social work or counseling- but I just don’t know if I want to make that commitment.  One would think that I’d have my career figured out at 47 years old and 19 years into this teaching gig- and I thought I did, but we keep getting more and more piled on our plates as elementary school teachers and it’s sucking the life out of me.  My conundrum is that I love working with kids and helping them learn- I just don’t love all the testing, requirements, and pressure put on them and me.  Soooo….that’s where I am in the work/life balance department- still trying to figure it out.  By taking this class I’m currently taking, though, I am giving myself options.

My mental health is going well, for the most part.  There are still days I wake up with the pit in my stomach and have to force myself out of bed and to work.  There are still days when I slap the smile on my face, do what I need to do, and then go home and hide from the world.  There are still days when my brain tells me that not only am I not good enough, but that I never will be good enough.  It just is what it is, I think.  I just have to keep fighting the voices and the negative thoughts and doing my best in the world.   I am trying to figure out what makes me happy.  At the end of my life, I don’t want to look back and see that I was overworked, exhausted, and out of touch with family and friends.  My job matters, I know.  I am making a difference in kids’ lives by stepping into that classroom every day- and I do love it.  Kids are God’s gift to adults.  We can learn SO much from them about life.  The problem is that 60 hours a week of work is not sustainable, nor does it allow for joy because only 35 of those hours are joyful; the rest are just exhausting.  There has to be a better way.

I have taken up crafting, which I’ve always loved to do, but now I am serious about it.  I’m going to make my own Christmas cards (or at least some of them- 90 might be overly ambitious).  I am painting and have decided to try acrylics (branching out from water colors).  I am actively looking for crafting things I can do with friends outside of the house.  I am doing a secret neighborhood project that I hope brings smiles to people.  I’m doing something I enjoy and it is helping me to relax- even if just for a little bit.

My husband and I joined a group at church that is centered around faith, focus, food, fitness, and friends.  We have learned the importance of clean eating (ok…we knew it, but we have learned to actually apply it) and have developed some friendships that I hope grow deeper.  In the process, I’ve lost 16 pounds, so that is exciting news.  I got my school pictures back from pre-plan  and let’s just say that they won’t be adorning any frames-ever.   You don’t realize how horrid you look until you see pictures of yourself.  So, if I wasn’t already eating clean, I would have started after those pictures came out.  We have gone line dancing and out to a brewery.  We have shared many meals and talked about some pretty deep things.  It has been a wonderful experience for us both.  It has helped me to try to dive deeper into my faith, as well.  I am really trying to pray to God for guidance on what to do with my life.  Am I serving His purpose or is he calling me to do something more?  I feel like he is calling me to do something more, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.  I am trying to make sure I get into His word more regularly, but I never really know where to start.

I am trying to be a positive light in the world.  I try to be friendly to everyone and give everyone the benefit of the doubt because you have NO idea what battles people are facing.  I glance at the news every day just so I know if WWlll has been declared or anything, but I try not to stew in it.  I get on FB for just a few minutes a day, as I have found it to be a detriment to my mental health…or a time suck…or both.  There are some people/groups that are very uplifting that I try to follow and I want to be in “the know” with my friends and family, but I skim by all the other stuff.  I am trying to live in the moment, though sometimes that moment is sticky and uncomfortable.  I am really trying to pay attention to my gut health and use essential oils as a way to get off medications and still be relatively sane.  This may never happen for me, and I know that that is ok.  My doctor assures me there are no long term side effects to the antidepressant that I am on, but it’s still a goal of mine.   I am thinking of ways to bring more hygge and lagom into my life because, alas, moving to Denmark or Sweden has proven to be unreasonable.  🙂

Some days, I really wish we could move back to Maine.  My family lives there.  My best friend from childhood now lives there, as do some other childhood friends that I’d love to reconnect with.  They have 4 seasons there, unlike NC, which has 2 seasons- Depths of Hell Hot and Pleasant.  I think education is more sane up there than it is down here because there is not so much testing and there are unions, sweet unions.  However, I would miss the friends we’ve made here, the church we love, and the abundance of things to do and see that Maine sometimes lacks (though summer and fall up there are to die for).

There was no real point to this post, I guess, other than to keep you all updated on my latest goings-on and offer some suggestions for those who are struggling.  I am taking suggestions for possible second careers or options within the education realm, however.  I am thinking of trying to blog more, though not just about mental health.  Just life in general, maybe.  I’m still trying to figure that out.  I love to write, so that would be relaxing.  Prayers are most appreciated, as always.  Please try to be a light and not a Negative Nelly (or Ned) in the world; we already have too much of that.  Lift up your fellow (wo)man.  Be the smile they needed to get through the day.  Reach out to people and check on them.  Be the friend you’d like to have.  Live in the moment (even if the moment stinks).  Love on your family and friends.  Make your small corner of the world a little happier and brighter.  Keep speaking out about mental health because 1 in 5 have a mental illness and the epidemic continues to grow.  Peace and love to you all as we enter this fabulous holiday season and always as you navigate this life God has blessed you with.  <3

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EXHAUSTED

I’m exhausted.  Deep in my bones, can hardly remember what I ate for breakfast exhausted.   I’m also tired- tired of carrying stress 24/7, tired of trying to do the impossible, tired of the mean and nastiness of the world, tired of trying to please those who feel they know better than me, tired of this hamster wheel set up in some parallel universe.  Tired of all of it.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not depressed or suicidal or anything- just sick of life at the moment.

Today was probably the most depressing of my career.  When I graduated from college 25 years ago, I had stars in my eyes.  I was going to help kids learn and grow; I was going to entrench a love of learning into each and every little flower entrusted to my care,  I was going to change the world one child at a time.  I was going to make a difference.   I’m no longer doing that.  Instead, I am labeling kids “below grade level” at 8 years old because they aren’t performing at a standard set by some politicians with no education experience.  I’m also testing and doing more worksheets than I ever dreamed possible in a school day.  I am setting kids up to fail.  You know why today was so depressing?  Because out of 17 parents that I conferenced with, half stated that their kids were suffering high levels of anxiety this year because of what I’m doing.  Granted, I’m just the puppet on the string, but I’m complicit in this mess.  Not what I signed up for.  One parent had me in tears as she described what her baby is saying about himself because of the grading and testing policy this year.  I just can’t…

I’m also tired of being asked to do 9 million different things in a day when it is not humanly possible.  There is literally not enough time to do everything I’m supposed to do in a day- so I leave school feeling like a failure, eat dinner, go to bed, and wake up the next morning to repeat the cycle.  I’m stressed out, and I know that’s not helping anyone- not my family, not my students, not myself.  I really don’t believe we were made to carry all that pressure and stress.  Much has been said about how happiness shouldn’t be the end goal in life; we all have to be the responsible and productive citizens.  Really?  How’s that working out for us?

I’m sick and tired of hearing about the way we are treating our fellow human beings!  We’ve got a bully for a president who has shown the world that it’s ok to name call, withhold aid, or lash out at anyone who doesn’t agree with you.  We are having racist letters sent to people in Maine.  We have a Supreme Court who cannot decide if the LGBTQ community deserves civil rights, like they’re some sort of subclass of humans.  We have people shooting up places and countries attacking others, killing millions.  In my own neighborhood, the adults are calling each other losers.  Again, I just can’t…

I’ve been reading about hygge and lagome.  These are the way of life for the Danish and Swedes, respectively.  They are 2nd and 7th for happiest countries in the world, so I figured they must be on to something (For the record, the US was 19th).  They work considerably less, believe that everyone should have the basic necessities (food, shelter, water, healthcare), put time with family front and center, and get out to enjoy nature.   Sounds great, right?  If you need me, I’ll be in a Scandinavian country somewhere, enjoying my peace, tranquility, peace of mind, and family.  ✌