Like the sands through an hour glass, these are the days of our lives. My grandmother used to be a fan of One Life to Live and I have great memories of playing nearby while she watched this- and watching it with her as I got older (what a trip that was…but I digress). For some reason, this has been popping up in my head more and more these days. I will be honest, I am having NO PROBLEMS sheltering in place. I love that I can access church, my friends, and my family without even needing to put real pants on- ha! I love having more time with my husband- even eating lunch together now. I love having time to putter and do my own things. I honestly could live on a deserted island (and a desserted island- yum) with just my family and a few close friends and be perfectly content interacting with the rest of the world via technology. However, I know others are really struggling. To those who are struggling that don’t normally, this too shall pass. I hope, though, that people will really stop and think about what they would like to add back into their lives. Does everyone really want to hop back on that treadmill that we’ve been calling life? Most of us are living to work. I’m pretty sure that is not what life is supposed to be all about, and I do believe that Covid19 is giving us a chance to reset our priorities- if only we take the time to do that.
For those of you unfamiliar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, it says that our most basic needs (food, water, air, shelter) need to be met before we can look at our other needs. Some people right now are really struggling to meet those basic needs. Please remember to reach out to those in your world and check in. Ask if they need anything, offer to bring them things, talk with them, make connections. Let’s help everyone get through this trying time- even if you are like me and quite enjoying the solitude.
I’ve just finished a book called Do Nothing by Celeste Headlee. I bought it when I was on the hamster wheel I’ve been calling life, wobbling from here to there, but never really getting anywhere. I knew I needed to make some changes. I thought there had to be more to life than work. I honestly felt like I lived to work, not the other way around. That was why I had I wanted to step away from my career (more on that plot twist later). Ms. Headlee is a journalist and this book is, in my humble opinion, genious! She writes in a way that is easy to relate to, relevent to our times, and full of research (she sites 13 pages- 13- of references). So, I am going to give you some precious nuggets that I have gotten from this book.
First, though, I want to address human connection, which is hard to come by right now. Real human connection, the kind you get when you give someone your full attention, is necessary for mental health. Belonging to a group is a human need, one that might be hard for people- especially now. People who belong to groups live longer, have less stress, heal faster, have stronger immune systems, and live more meaningful lives. Reach out to your groups, but also to others who may need that connection- your neighbors, your coworkers, your aquaintances. I, for one, despise talking on the phone. Talking in person and talking on the phone cause an equal reaction in me because I don’t have time to filter my thoughts and really put my coherent self out there. My heart rate goes up and I start to sweat. Additionally, my mouth gets even more ahead of my brain than normal- and that’s when I become a bumbling idiot. It’s just one of my lovely quirks that I have come to accept- until I read this book. The author spent a lot of time talking about how texting (and social media) makes it so much easier to dehumanize people and relationships- even if you don’t mean to. They keep people at a distance and don’t allow your relationships to grow. She also sited a study where speaking to people in person builds empathy. After awhile, your brain activity starts to synch up to those you are speaking with, so that you can better relate to them. This is how deep relationships form. We can’t be with people we aren’t living with right now, but we can still talk on phones and video conference. Human connection allows us to build empathy and strengthen bonds. Repeated studies have shown that isolation leads to depression. Doctors and mental health professionals are seeing a rise in people with anxiety and depression right now because of isolation and all the worries that we are now coping with- so again, reach out and connect with others…for yourselves and for others.
There is SO MUCH I want to share from Headlee’s book, but the huge things are ways to better balance your life. Really quick, I’ve included some history if you’d like to read it. If not, scroll on by. See the box below.
Really quick, During the industrial revolution, productivity increased because machines were developed to make things go faster. Instead of allowing people to then work less with the same level of productivity, employers suddenly discovered that they could raise productivity by having workers work the same amount of hours. Then they realized that they were making lots of money and could make more money by having employees work even more hours- and giving them incentives to do so. The problem is that people get less productive the more they work. The average human brain can work for 45 minutes or so before they need start to lose productivity. They can work about 4 or 5 hours a day before they lose all productivity. However, you can't necessarily measure productivity of individuals, so employers measure hours. Employees are pressured to work certain hours and then to work even more to not look like slackers. Peer pressure actually plays a huge part in the work place. I am a teacher. I am contracted to work a certain number of hours because the powers that be have deemed that the essential number of hours needed to do my job effectively. Fair enough; that is what I signed up for and I am in agreement on those hours. However, I feel pressured to work more hours because I need my kids' test scores to reach a certain level. If I don't, the measure of me as a teacher goes down. I could even be put on an action plan- the first step to be fired. It doesn't matter if kids come into my classroom 2 grades below grade level, if they exhibit a learning disability and can't be tested for the entire school year, if their home lives stink and their main priority is the bottom of Maslow's heirarchy. None of that matters in how I am measured as a teacher. So, I am pressured to work more in order to push my kids as hard as I possibly can to reach scores that may not be appropriate for them during that school year. My colleagues are all in the same boat and feel the same pressure. While in my case, productivity does not equal profit, per se, it does equal bragging rights. My school and district can brag about being a B school and having 95% of students graduate, etc. In business, productivity equals profit- but at what expense?
Balance Tip #1: Look out for your neighbors and connect with friends. We are currently so overworked that we often don’t give much thought to anyone outside of our immediate circle. Empathy is down (if you don’t believe me, get on your neighborhood or town social media page. Yikes!). There are record numbers of people on antidepressants. As a society, we are fatter, sicker, and more stressed out. Suicide rates have gone up 56% since 1999. Don’t you think it is time we stopped to ask why?? We are getting away from what makes us human. We NEED leisure time and time to really connect with people. We need it for our mental and physical health.
Balance Tip #2: Put down your phone!! Looking at any device 2-3 hours before bed messes up your circadian rythm and depletes your melatonin, resulting in trouble sleeping. Your body needs sleep to process your thoughts for the day and heal your body. Having your phone with you constantly is training your brain to nonstop be ready to respond to an emergency- whether that be an email from work, a text about something unimportant, or waiting for a “like” on your social media post. Your muscles actually relax and contract constantly when your phone goes off- no wonder you are exhausted every day!
Balance Tip #3: Put a limit on your time spent on social media. According to Headlee’s research, the human brain can handle 150 relationships- and yet people are yearning for more “friends” and “followers” on social media. Those are not true friendships. This is very dangerous for a number of reasons. Social media causes people to unknowingly have feelings of inferiority, envy, anxiety, and depression. It causes you to make comparisons, whether you know it or not. These comparisons go back to our need to be part of a group. We don’t want to be left out, so we want to watch and do what we can to fit in. I’m here to tell you that you need to just find your tribe and be yourself. God made you to be your own glorious self- not someone else. Embrace it! Many of us (myself included) are addicted to our technology, and it is driven by FOMO- fear of missing out. As I just said, we feel like we need to make sure we are on top of things because we don’t want to be left out- and cast out of our “group.” If you need to change who you are and who you were made to be in order to be accepted by people, those aren’t your people. Use your normal social media time to do other things that you enjoy; you’ll be surprised at how much leisure time you have for hobbies when you kick social media to the curb.
Balance Tip #4: Look carefully at your work schedule; are there things you can tweak and still maintain the same level of productivity? According to Headlee, multi-tasking is a farce. Your brain is not meant to multitask unless it is with mindless things (folding laundry while talking on the phone, for example). Every time you switch from one thing to another, your brain takes a bit to readjust to the next task. Can you focus on one task for an hour, take a break, and go back to that task until it is done before moving on? Can you make a schedule of what you will do each day (including responding to email) and stick to it? You will likely find that you finished all your tasks for the day with time to spare. Instead of working on more, go do something fun! Let go of perfectionism. Fun fact: Perfectionism apparently became a thing about 40 years ago. Those kids who were expected to go out and conquer the world (or excel in everything) are now parents who are pushing those same messages onto their kids. We are pushing them in sports, in academics, into top colleges, into careers that are “important.” Well, if Covid19 has taught us anything, it has taught us that some important careers (truck drivers, grocery workers, janitors) don’t require a college degree. If your child doesn’t get into a top college or isn’t the captain of the soccer team, or doesn’t graduate in the top 10, it really isn’t all that important. Let me tell you, I have only recently given up my piloting licence for helicopters. I did not want my kids to make mistakes, to look bad, to not get onto the team, to not go to college, etc. That is society’s expectation-and it is wrong. In the meantime, I damaged my kids in some ways. None of them are really confident in their abilities (because I never gave them the chance to fail and pick themselves up by their bootstraps) and my oldest followed a path that did nothing but put her in debt because her real passion all along was law enforcement. My middle daughter has low self- esteem and anxiety, which impacts her ability to make connections. My youngest suffers mightily from anxiety, depression, and OCD. If I can pass any message along to young parents, it is to stand back and keep your kids safe, while letting them try things and fail. Let them find their passion and follow it. Embrace the person they will become- because I can tell you from experience, they turn into pretty amazing human beings…sometimes in spite of what you did or did not do. Aside from kids, release your need for perfectionism. Who cares if your colleague wants to work 60 hours a week? If you did what you were supposed to do in 40, go celebrate that with some fun time. Happiness is important- studies have proven that. On your death bed, you will not be rewarded for how much money you made, what titles you held, or the number of hours you worked. You will be rewarded for how you lived your life- how you loved on your friends and family, how you treated those around you, how you helped society, and how you fulfilled your purpose. Those are the important things- and those are the things that our society needs to get back to.
Because of Covid19, I will be going back to teaching for at least another year. I do not want to end my career like this, teaching from behind a screen and not being able to love on my kids. I want to finish my career on my terms. Also, my husband’s office cut a bunch of positions and cut pay for those who are left. While we are beyond grateful he still has his position, the pay cut isn’t particularly helpful right now. I am going to use this year to bring more balance to my life and enjoy it more. I hope these tips can help some of you do the same. I am including a link to the book I’ve been referencing because it just is so amazing! I couldn’t wait to share it with you guys! It makes you really look at our society for all the wonderful things it offers and all its faults- and strive to make things better. Peace and love to you all; this too shall pass, and I think we will all be better for it!
Here is the link:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TX4NWZ2/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
