I’ve started this entry a million times in my head over the past two months…and then about ten times as I’ve sat down to actually write it. How do I put down all that is always swirling around in my head? How much do I write for myself and how much for others? How much do I say? How much do I leave out? One thing I have told myself since I hit rock bottom two years ago was that I was done pretending to be something I am not. I am done hiding. While that is not always the case in my day to day living (still working on that) , I am going to keep that promise to myself in my blog. After all, I started it for me. I started it to sort out my thoughts. I decided to share it because I really hope that my journey can help others. There is such a stigma around mental illness, yet so many people struggle. I think there need to be more conversations, more authenticity, more connection.
Depression and anxiety mean different things to different people. They both ebb and flow- but never really go away for those who are afflicted. No matter how much therapy you do or how many pills you throw at them, they are always there to some degree. Some days, weeks, months are better than others. Always, they are an undercurrent in your day to day life; you just keep fighting the good fight. I don’t think that those who don’t suffer from one (or both, as is my case) can really understand that. I think those lucky enough to have wonderful mental health just think we need to see the therapist more, take more meds, get over ourselves. Trust me when I say that I wish it were that easy. When this whole journey started (or, really, came to a head), I thought it would be that easy. I thought I would follow all the rules (cause that’s what I do), educate myself, and do what my doctor said and all would return to “normal”- society’s idea of normal.
For me, these days, depression looks like apathy. I don’t get overly excited about anything. I don’t feel things like I used to. I’m not happy, but I’m not really sad. It’s like the world is gray. I don’t connect like I used to. I don’t reach out to friends or even my family. Really, I just want to be left alone. I want to escape- and escape for me comes in the form of reading or naps. I am constantly tired, but can’t seem to sleep soundly or get enough of it-ever. I hate the way I look, but am not up for doing anything to change it. I just am here, moving through life because that is what I need to do. That is what I am expected to do. I’m currently in a valley with things, and that will happen. It is what it is. The problem is that I can’t remember not feeling like this. I think the apathy is what ebbs and flows- not the depression. Currently, the flow is strong.
Anxiety for me these days looks like it always does- worrying about what the world thinks of me and how I am impacting it (either negatively or positively). It makes me want to come home at the end of the work day and just hide so I can take off my mask and just be. Anxiety for me is worrying that I’m not meeting everyone’s needs. That I am not doing my job to the best of my abilities and always looking to do more so I can prove my worthiness. Anxiety is worrying about change. The school year is coming to an end, which means summer arrives soon. What will I do with my son so that he doesn’t sit around and marinate in his own anxiety and depression (and OCD, which is an added weight around his neck)? What will I do to not be a dismal failure when I teach in China? I am changing grade levels next year (not by choice). What do I need to do to prepare for that? How can I get a head start on learning all that is going to be new so that I don’t feel so overwhelmed in August? How can I balance that with my need to take a break from work and focus on my family and me? How can I get outside of my own head so that I can enjoy my family and friends and not be a burden? And then….as I worry about these things….I grab a book or take a nap and just escape for the time being because I don’t have the answers to all these worries- and I am exhausted trying to find them- but I feel like they are coming.
I often wonder when this all started- this being my tangle with anxiety and depression. The thing is, I have no idea. I’ve always been anxious. I have worried since I was a child about things that most people- especially children-don’t give 2 thoughts to. When I had kids, the worries seemed to skyrocket. How can I keep them safe in this dangerous world and help them to grow up to be good and happy people? I have always second guessed myself. I have always cared what people think and tried to be, as I mentioned in my last blog, who they all wanted me to be. I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I remember as a child, when I (looking back at pictures) was as thin as a rail and a family member called me bubble butt. I laughed it off, but I remember. In my yearbook senior year, someone took it to sign it. When it was returned, it had the word cow written with an arrow pointing to me that someone had written and tried to erase. I was a 3 sport athlete, so I didn’t think I was anyone’s definition of fat, but I took that to heart. When I was pregnant with my first child, everyone marveled at how much weight I gained- even my doctor. Another hole in my bucket of self-worth. Over the years, I’ve gotten skinny and then fat- and everything in between. It’s been a vicious cycle. I look at skinny people and wonder why I can’t control myself when it comes to food. I listen to people talk about their healthy eating and want to scream because it is not that easy for me. It’s always going to be a struggle. I’m never going to be society’s idea of perfect. I have scoliosis, am missing my big toe nails, have bags under my eyes that I could hold my luggage for China in , and am told almost weekly in one manner or another that I have resting bitch face. It is what it is. See, apathy is not always bad. Ha!
Perfectionism in our society is seen as a great thing. It has always been what has propelled me forward in life. My family was not going to be disappointed in me! No sir! As an adult, I don’t want to disappoint the people depending on me, so I constantly seek to improve…but to what end? Let me tell you something. This year, I was the teacher of the year for my school and moved onto district level competition. That involved all kinds of anxiety inducing things, but I pushed my feelings aside and gave it my all. I made it to the top ten out of 2,500 teachers. That is like being in the top .03 % of teachers here- pretty awesome, huh? But I didn’t win…and that is all that I could focus on. I failed. I was not perfect because the perfect teacher won. I let people down. I was embarrassed to go to school the next day. I just let it all fall away like it never happened. Society pushes this idea of perfection being the golden standard, being number one, but I think it is leading us down the wrong path. We push our children to be perfect in the eyes of society. They should all behave in a certain way, learn in a certain way, participate in this sport and that club to boost their resume, take the hardest classes, and build that resume with straight A’s, community service, and church attendance. We should all strive to do our best in our jobs so we can be the best. We should be the best daughter, son, spouse, friend, etc. because our society teaches us that only the best are worthy. Only the best succeed. Only the best become wealthy and powerful- and the wealthy and powerful are the ones who will change the world (for good or bad). People all feel that pressure, whether they admit it or not. We all curate our social media to put our best face forward. We think about what we’ll say and how we’ll say it so we come across in the way that we think society wants us to come across. If someone struggles with an addiction or job loss or poverty or a chronic illness or whatever, society sees them as weak. I’m here to say that society is WRONG! The incidences of depression, anxiety, and suicide are skyrocketing. Parents tell their kids to follow their dreams and do what they love…but what they are really saying is be successful by society’s standards. At some point, we have to step back, take a good hard look, and do something about it. I cannot seem to cut myself any slack, but I am actively working to give that to my children. My son doesn’t want to go to college; he wants to be a firefighter. This is not the vision I had for him, propelled by society’s expectations, so it has been a hard pill to swallow- but you know what? He won’t be saddled with thousands of dollars in school debt, he’ll be helping people, and he will be happy. What more can I ask for? My oldest gave up the career that she has a master’s degree in because she wasn’t happy and hopes to be a police officer like her grandfather and uncle. Am I happy with this decision? No. I am scared for her safety and for her future because she IS saddled with student debt….and we all know police officers are not paid their worth. However, I am trying to be happy with the fact that she is happy. My middle child is following the path we had envisioned for her, but I’m not sure she is particularly happy. Perfection, you see, is unattainable. You’ll never have the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect spouse (though mine is literally a saint in the making), the perfect body- it’s just not possible. Yet, that is the message from society. Kate Fagan, in her book What Made Maddy Run, asked a very important question: How much of our happiness is fueled by society’s validation of our choices? I need to stop seeking validation; I just haven’t figured out how.
These days, I feel like I am just going through the motions when I have to and looking for my escape when I don’t. Thankfully, I can compartmentalize so when I am at work, I can focus on the babies in front of me and do the best I can by them. When they leave, though, everything comes crashing back in. I close my door and listen as my colleagues joke around and gab. I don’t have it in me to join. I attend staff meetings on how to make ourselves better and leave feeling like I will never be good enough. I attend to emails that ask more of me, as if I am not already giving all that I have. By the end of the day, I have nothing left to give- not to myself and not to my family- and that leaves me feeling like a failure.
My husband wants to go hiking tomorrow. It is insanely hot (like the depths of hell hot), but he assures me it will be cooler in the mountains. (probably like the rim of hell, but I digress). I don’t really care to go. I’d rather sit at home and read. However, in doing so, I pull farther and farther away from the very people that I love and who keep me sane. That’s my depression speaking, so I will make myself go and make myself have a good time- but it would be nice if it could just genuinely happen.
Where is God in all this? Honestly, I think He is nudging me to share my story more- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I think He is clarifying things in my head and helping me to see that it’s not all on me. Society must share some of the blame. I am feeling pushed to share the message with teens especially that life is too short to try to fit society’s idea of success. You get one shot at this. Truly do what makes you happy and positively impacts this world. Help others. Don’t make yourself miserable trying to meet some unattainable standard. Be you. God made you just the way He wanted you to be. You have a purpose; lean into it. I really think my purpose in life is to help people to meet their potential. I work to do that in my job every day, but I think God is calling me to do more now. I’m trying to figure out how. Society is just now starting to take mental health seriously, but there is still a serious stigma. I want people to know that there is NOTHING wrong with asking for and receiving help. It doesn’t make you weak; it makes you strong. Suffering from mental illness doesn’t make you weak; in fact, I think we are some of the strongest people out there because we fight battles daily that most people know nothing about. I know, you are all probably thinking that I need to listen to my message myself. The thing is, I do. I do feel better in my own skin. I am happy with the person I am. I may not be some people’s idea of good enough (and that is where I struggle, still), but I think I am making a positive impact in the world around me. Let me tell you something that happened a couple of weeks ago. A friend from high school that I haven’t talked to since then reconnected with me on Facebook. She said to me, “You know, the one thing that I remember about you is that you were always nice to everyone.” That made me cry….seriously. THAT is what is important in life- that you are are kind and helpful to everyone, regardless of any qualifying measure. I do that. I extend kindness and empathy to everyone- and that alone makes me worthy. I don’t have all the answers and I will struggle until the day I die, probably- but that is ok because I am going to be alright, and I hope to help others be, as well.