This is a time of new beginnings, as I have closed one door and am waiting for a new one to open. Normally, I would think this time of waiting would have me stressed out, but, instead, I am finding peace in the transition. This surprises me, really. I thought I would have feelings of regret, longing, despair, panic- you name it…but, as I sit out on the back porch listening to peepers and writing, I only have peace. Hmmm. For someone with serious anxiety, that is a pretty amazing thing!
Let me start with the door I closed. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a teacher. I used to sit my somewhat unwilling younger brother down during the summers and “teach” him. He was my first student…and behavior issue- ha! Right out of college, I worked in preschools for a bit, but I really wanted my own elementary classroom. I got my chance when I took over for a first grade teacher who left at Christmas break in 2000 (oh the irony…). I took the reigns of that class and never looked back. I LOVED everything about teaching and grew into an accomplished teacher. Along the way, I earned my master’s degree and continued to sharpen my tools and hone my skills. My light grew brighter and brighter as I reached new heights, got new accolades, learned new skills, helped new kids, met amazing educators, and continued to grow. In 2019/20, the light seemed to dim a bit, so I decided to try coaching. It wasn’t the kids or teaching dimming my light; it was the testing, the paperwork, and the unending to-do list. Coaching was a transformative experience, but…. I stepped back into the classroom because I learned some new things about literacy last year that I was dying to try out with a new batch of learners. It was a struggle from the start, but I was striving to be better each and every day. I was giving it my all…until that light, the one that I kept pushing to burn brighter and brighter, burnt out in spectacular fashion- and I closed the door on my successful 22+ year teaching career.
The amazing part was not that the light burnt out because, let’s face it, it was bound to happen; one cannot give their whole being to one thing (their passion)- and expect to survive. The amazing part is that I am not sad about it. In fact, I am excited to see what door opens next. I have had some other feelings. I have felt ashamed at having left my class with three months to go. I have felt embarrassed that I could not see things through to the end. I have felt like I let my class, their parents, my admin, and my team down. I have felt let down myself. I have felt frustration that I could not be truthful with parents and colleagues, but also understanding that things had to be this way. I have felt- and continue to feel- left out when I watch fun things happening at my school and I’m not there to participate. I feel somewhat lonely, as most of my friends work- largely in the field of education. I am entitled to have all those feelings and they are valid….but they also only look at things through my lens and are not productive to moving forward. I am not camped out in them and have moved on from most of them. The door is cracking open…
I have been home for almost two weeks now. I still haven’t unpacked the few boxes of things that I brought home from school on my last day as a teacher. There are two reasons for this. First of all, I am not ready. I am not quite sure what I will need and what I won’t; what I want to keep and what I don’t. Second, and most importantly, I have been taking this time to nurture myself and my family. This school year has been HARD and it caused me to rearrange my priorities while letting my anxiety build to the point where I was coming home from school and heading right up to the bathroom to, ahem, let my anxiety out. At first, it was maybe once a week. Towards the end, it was daily. My anxiety was telling me that I was not good enough. I was never going to please my principal. I was never going to please the parents…one or two in particular. I was never going to get these babies on grade level when they came in a year- or more- below. I was never going to fit the picture that some of my colleagues had of me. I was never going to fit in- full stop. The harder I tried, the more I felt like I was failing everyone- and the harder, still, that I tried. In the end, I was home with Covid, trying to keep things afloat with my class while also trying to protect my family from getting sick when the light just burst. I am not going to get into the nitty-gritty here because that is not what is important. What is important is that I suddenly was given clarity and knew that it was either me or my job- and I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore.
Having stepped away and pondered some things, I can see that my anxiety was mostly self-induced. I was looking in at myself and trying to manage others’ opinions of me. I was trying to be the people pleaser that I have always been and get people to like me and give me words of affirmation. Here’s the thing about that- that is not what we were made for and it is not healthy. We were made by God for a specific purpose; He gave us specific skills and traits to help us to meet that purpose. His biggest commandment of all is to love Him with all of our hearts, minds, strength, and spirits and to love our neighbors. That is it. It isn’t to manage how others view us. It isn’t to please people. It is to use our talents and traits to accomplish His purpose. The world tells us that we get our value from our talents, our possessions, our friends, our successes, etc. The world is wrong- and it causes us SO MUCH undo stress. I have read 3 books so far over the past 2 weeks: The Untethered Soul, Ordinary on Purpose, and Free of Me. While they were all excellent books and I gleaned some important insight from all of them, it was the third one that spelled it out for me. I would encourage EVERYONE who suffers from anxiety to read Free of Me– and even those who do not. It is POWERFUL!! It talks about how we all do image management, strive to please others, and judge others based on the world’s standards (which are pretty F’d up, if we are being completely honest here). Even if you are not a religious person, this book will make you think about your priorities and how we can all work together to make this world a better place by using our gifts and talents.
I just finished the book today and am still processing things. I may do another blog post later on how I will use what I have learned from the book moving forward, but I wanted to sort some things out on here today. I am still very much a work in progress. I will tell you, though, that I have never felt more alive and relaxed than I do right now. I have no idea what my next career will be and I am honestly not worried about it. I prayed- A LOT- about my job this year and really do wonder if He was calling me to step down before I even started this school year. I think back to how I kept waffling last year with stepping back into the classroom, how I tore my hammy this summer and spent most of the school year coming back from that, how the issue that ultimately caused me to step away was percolating all year. I kept going back and forth about stepping away due to these things- and I kept going back for the kids. It was not until that day that the light shattered that I felt like I had no choice- I had to leave NOW. Sure, I gave my 30 day notice-and I had many anxious moments, as I do love my class and team, but by the time I walked out that door, I felt peace- for the first time in a very, very, VERY long time. I was dealing with other emotions, but I don’t regret my decision for one nanosecond- and here is why. I finally listened to His calling and took the leap of faith. I did what He was calling me to do. I am now waiting to see what He calls me to do next. In the meantime, in the waiting, I am going to continue to work on me. I am going to realign my priorities (again), grow my relationship to God (more), pour into my family and friends (finally), and head into my next career as my best self (at that moment). When one door closes, it is usually God’s way of telling you that you are finished there- and He is working on opening the next door for you. You just have to have the faith to step through it when it does.